Spectral Dust Bunnies

I knew that, in writing about my past trauma, the dreams were likely to resurface. They came back in abundance last night. A rehashing of everything I’ve gone through in four terrifying, enervating dreams that left me speechless and near tears.

I don’t feel the overwhelming desire to go into great detail about them outside of a therapy session. Suffice it to say, they were atrocious and, but for my need to work through this, I would choose to run far away from them.

I suppose this could be considered progress. Prior to this, I would react to these PTSD dreams by withdrawing to my room, curling up into a tight ball and crying myself raw. Yeah, my behavior right now is progress. I’m going to confront and slay these issues, no matter how hard it is.

I’ve got something I didn’t have before: an inkling of understanding in what’s propelling this whole ship of monsters and a driving ambition to beat it bloody.

One Glove Clapping

I am currently working on glove two of Mike’s gloves. I’m on the middle finger of the right hand. There’s a joke in there somewhere, I know it.

Anyway, things are going along quite well so far. I’ve taken to watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer while I knit, being extra cautious I don’t lose track of where I am in the round of knitting. Mike’s fingers are long but they’re not Aye aye long.

Once I finish Mike’s gloves, I’m going to crochet five hexagons before working on Todd’s dad’s gloves and my own. I will interspace working on gloves and hexagons until I’ve completed the Hexagon Granny Afghan/Dark Hexagonals.

Then, I’ll work the same pattern with the hats for all of us and the In Love With Color Throw and the Windows for my Friends scarves. In this way, I hope to get ten projects done within the month of November. If I can accomplish this, go me!

After that comes the blanket, socks and hats for the commission…so not looking forward to it but, hey, it’s cashy money.

After this, comes the last of the projects for my friends. Then, I’ll be free. *sigh of relief*

Introspective Delving

Thanks to much introspective delving, I think I’m finally starting to get a grasp on the root causes of the agoraphobia and anxiety issues. It’s been five years since I first started having acute symptoms of agoraphobia and decades since the anxiety started rearing its ugly head. So, it’s about time, in my view, it’s explained itself.

During my formative years, I lived in a really bad neighborhood. That part is no secret. I never tried to hide that from anyone and I’ve been proud that, while I am a product of that neighborhood, I didn’t let it become an integral part of my personality.

What I didn’t go into was just how bad it was there for me personally. I was the frequent target of physical, psychological and even sexual abuse at the hands of several people in that neighborhood. It got to the point where, as a child, I didn’t leave the apartment I grew up it. I wasn’t agoraphobic at the time, I just didn’t have many, if any, friends who’d take my side.

The abuse came from both adults and children. So, there was no safe place to go. I can remember walking down the street with my mother, on our way home, and boys throwing rocks at me for no reason. They were careful not to hit my mother, who was (obviously) an adult but I was fair game.

I can remember adults making horribly disparaging comments on everything from my issue with Precocious Puberty to my weight to my color and anything else they could pick on. A neighbor’s daughter once yelled out for the neighborhood to hear that I was “a bitch” with no justifiable reason for saying such a thing. By this point, I would just accept the abuse, ignoring it, and go on with my day. After all, it’s not like I had anywhere to run to or anyone, save my mother, to defend me. The abuse went on from there.

So, I learned to amuse myself and became enamored with scientific subjects as shown on PBS. Where most kids spent their Summers outside playing and partying, I spent my time indoors watching the Summer television schedule. When I wasn’t doing that, I was putting what I’d seen on television into practice by committing science experiements. When I wasn’t doing scientific experiments, I was at the Library, having knowledge orgies by checking out and reading forty books at a time before returning them a week and a half later for more books.

Thanks to rational introspection, I’m finally starting to see the threads that connect these issues from my childhood to my current condition. I’m still expecting the rocks and verbal barbs to come flying. I’m still expecting viciousness when I don’t live in a vicious neighborhood anymore. When I’m in a crowd of people, I go into my shell because I’m expecting, at any moment, for the insults and fists to come flying my way. This thought process isn’t justified. Not anymore.

Recently, I’ve been able to go out, by myself, and rather than getting the expected attacks, I had a pleasant time, but for the anxiety settled firmly in my chest.

I’m putting a timetable on this condition. By this time two years from now, I want to be able to say that I am no longer agoraphobic and that my anxiety is considerably lessened.

Busy Day

Today was a very productive day. Now that I’m shaking the last vestiges of antibiotic sleep from my system, I’m getting a lot done.

I am currently in the middle of baking bread. I’m making two more loaves of sandwich bread and I will probably be making rolls as well. It depends on how long it takes me to make the bread and how tired I am at the end of it.

In addition to this, I cleaned up half the kitchen. Did the dishes, partially cleaned the stove and got up a bunch of stuff that was laying around. Next, I’m going to do the laundry for myself and the kitchen, degrease the baking sheet and then clean my room if there’s enough time before 8pm EDT.

On the crafting front, I am almost completed Mike’s left glove. Once my hands are free of flour and cleaner, I’ll probably get back to knitting sometime later tonight. Also on the crafting front, I heard back from that baby’s blanket commission finally. Apparently, socks are also wanted as well as…more crocheted hats. WTF?! Since I’ve got half the materials already, I figured I might as well fulfill this last order but, after this, I’m not doing it. It’ll give me a chance to rebuild my savings over the last order fiasco.

Finally wading back into online chatting this weekend after so long away. I’ve really missed everyone.

Oh yeah, I voted. I got my absentee ballot this afternoon and filled it out right away. Now, I’ve just got to mail it in. I like this kind of voting. No pressure, I was able to carefully consider my options and I don’t have to worry about people looking over my shoulder during the voting process.

Now, I’ve just got to get the rest of my self appointed chores done. Sloth is setting in, so I’d better end this here. Good night, everyone!

Dark Hexagonals – My Take On The Hexagon Granny Afghan

This is where I am thus far on the project. I’m still passing out from taking the antibiotics, so I’m not as far along as I would like to be but something is better than nothing. The colors I’m using are Red Heart’s Supersaver in Blacklight, Dark Orchid, Glowworm, Navy and Bright Yellow.

As soon as I finish this, I’m going to make a pillow to match this all to replace my old afghan and pillow.

Hopefully, by then, my hands will have stopped peeling and I can get back to glove and sock making. It’s getting quite chilly outside and I owe some people winter gear including myself.

Sick, Incorporated

I have been ill for the better part of a month. I’ve had two Flus, three fevers, a cold, a multi-site skin infection, a sinus infection and mysteriously peeling skin on my hands.

At this point, nothing would surprise me symptom-wise. I think I’m on the road to recovery though. Yet, I’m very sad because I had to cancel my appointment with the Red Cross for donating plasma and platelets…again. I’m taking two antibiotics and I wouldn’t have finished taking the second one before the time of my appointment.

Enough about me.

The Maternal Parental is doing well. Thankfully, she hasn’t gotten any of my illnesses. I didn’t make it to the party previously mentioned but I am waiting for my hands to heal so I can finish the gifts.

In the interim, I am working on the Hexagon Granny Afghan by Lion Brand Yarn. I’m doing this in my own colors. Since my skin is peeling rather disgustingly, I cannot do the other projects. So far, I’ve got three and a half hexagons done. I’m planning on working on this project more tomorrow. I’m just too tired tonight. Pictures of my project will come once I’ve gotten a little further along in crocheting it.

Some of my plants are doing awesome and others aren’t doing so well but they’re all alive. It seems like I can’t water the orange trees and coleus enough before they’re drooping for more water. In contrast, the Snake plant is almost as big as me and the aloe vera is thriving. My one surviving African Violet has new leaves coming in where there was previously die off. My lemongrass is bigger than me now and the spider plant and pelargoniums are growing well too.

Last, but certainly not least, I took the top off of the pineapple babies and they’re enjoying breathing the free air. They did dry out a bit but they’re recovering quite nicely.

For now, I bid you all a good night and hope that your month has been very good.

Mostly Better

I am finally recovered from the Flu…for the most part. There is a lingering sniffling and cough that will, hopefully, be taken care of when I finally go for my yearly physical in a few days time.

Owing to the fact that I haven’t seen a penny of the money promised me in advance, the baby’s blanket is on hiatus until such time as I feel like finishing it and selling it on to someone who’s appreciative of my work and time in crafting.

Since I was invited to a lovely combined birthday party, I am making gifts for a few of the attendees instead. Namely, two scarves, one for my friend’s mom and the other for my friend Ari. If I can get it done in time for the party, I’m also making gloves and a hat for my friend’s dad. That’s about all I can get done in this small timeframe. Everyone else is getting IOUs until I have finished with the rest of my projects. Below is a picture of Ari’s scarf from a few days ago. It’s about a foot longer now, with more colors.

Speaking of forgotten projects… Sam’s much abused hat is officially on Frogged status. He found a hat he likes on Etsy and I’m going to get it for him as a gesture of friendship and goodwill. I’m going to ball the sock up into a cake as soon as I finish this entry and make it into my army green socks at a later date.

Oh yeah, my Blog anniversary is coming up in seven days. I don’t know what I’m going to do for it, but I’ll think of something.

Another thing of note, apparently, if you attempt to log into the USPS account where you’ve forgotten your password enough times, they delete the account. This allows you to go back to using the e-mail address you’d prefer to use for such information sensitive stuff. Ask me how I know.

In 2013, I opened up a USPS account and…forgot the password. I also, by this time, forgot the secret question answers and had no way to recover my beloved account. So, I opened a second account via an e-mail account I do not consider as secure as account one. Since my hope was to get that first account unlocked somehow, I kept at it with every variation of password I could think of until I got locked out by the system for twenty four hours. Once my day was up, I was right back there, trying to get into my account.

Then, yesterday, on a lark, I decided to try changing my e-mail address to address one. It worked! Now that I have my account back, I’ll use it to send all the backlog of packages I have to send in two waves. Megawave will occur on or about 6 October and Miniwave will occur as soon as I get the stuff I’m ordering as gifts for my friends.

After this, don’t expect anything from me unless you’ve ordered it or I have specifically offered. Shop’s closed. Doors are locked and barred.

Today’s agenda is bread baking and bread pudding making. We have very little bread left and the Maternal Parental would like bread pudding. So, I’m going to make that as soon as I finish unraveling the yarn formerly known as Sam’s hat.

Oh yeah, I nearly forgot. I finally found a good pattern for that Diadem yarn I bought. I’m making a stole for myself in Fisherman’s Rib stitch. I think I have just enough to make a full stole and, if I don’t, then I’ll just buy more in a different color and alternate them.

That’s about it. Enjoy your day, everyone! :)