The End – I Hate Being Responsible

I can’t keep doing this. I just can’t. It’s wearing me out being one of the few responsible people in a family of emotional leeches.

Even the people I love and like are now at the point where I don’t want to- no, I can’t talk with them anymore. It’s just too much stress on me to try to hold their world up and my own while trying to simultaneously get my life back on track. I just can’t do it.

Last night, I snapped. I never thought I’d ever raise my voice to the person I did it to but it happened. It all came out, through tears and a lot of fear, anger, and rage, that I was frightened for them and worried that the path they were going down was going to be detrimental to their life and, quite possibly, the lives of others around them. He didn’t know what to say and, quite frankly, neither did I. I just let what flew out flood out.

I love this person but I just cannot and will not sacrifice my own sanity and health to keep them stable. Other people talking this person down can only go so far.

“Vampire Honeybee” was right; He’s got to take responsibility for himself and get up to fight this himself instead of depending on everyone else to boost his self-esteem. Wise lady she is.

Ahhh Relief…

A few days ago, my doctor gave me a prescription for Ranitidine (Zantac). I’ve been having some seriously “Ow, Damn it!” moments lately and nothing short of not eating seemed to give me any relief.

Until tonight. I took the pill earlier tonight thinking that I’d be doomed to at least one more night of pain but it’s not hurting anymore. I can feel the spot where it was hurting but…it’s more of a void than an actual discomfort.

Me happy. Me so happy.

Cowling In Anticipation

I’m going to make a cowl.

Damn them at Knitty.com for posting the latest cover pattern which got me considering this at all.

Please keep in mind that I haven’t any yarn that looks like that. Most of the yarn I have is acrylic and worsted weight.

This is going to be an interesting endeavor.

Aside from that, I’m tittering madly over the Wishlist option of Herrschners. The only issue I have is that I want the list there to be like Amazon.com wishlists in that the identity can be obscured to a certain extent. If that’s an option, then I’m using that as my main list. If not, then I don’t know what to do. I love their range of products, especially yarn, and I’ve been consistantly pleased with their reliability in service.

And no, I’m not just saying that to get free yarn. If I were, believe me, I’d be a lot more overt about it all.

Now…I must away to bed. I don’t know why but I’ve got an insatiable craving for Frosted Flakes and Silk Chocolate Soymilk but no way to tame the craving. Damn it…

Herrschners Is Evil

This is not right.

This is so not right.

No sooner do I swear off buying non-essentials for the entire year, the good yarn catalogues start coming in the mail. Oh, you evil seductive people at Herrschners…

You tempt me. You are evil with your endless supply of products that any Needletrades fanatic would kill to have. Especially Yarn.

You’re diabolical.

How dare you.

Wellsphere Reminder

Quite a while ago, I set a goal for myself on this cool site called Wellsphere to lose a set amount of weight by a certain time. Unfortunately, I didn’t make this goal due to quite a lot of illness but I’m not giving up.

A few stumbling blocks in my goal have been a lack of good health and a lack of a positive support network. The health, I cannot really help. I’ve been working with my physician to find out just WTF is going on with me and, hopefully, it will be found out so I can get on the road to a proper recovery. In the meantime, I keep a standard routine of at least stretching and light exercises with a walk afterwards.

The social support..*grumble*…bunch of lazy…*grumble*expletive*expletive*….*sigh*

Quite frankly, most of the people I know who’d be up for a supportive exercise and weight loss group are not close enough to this area for us to effectively meet on a regular basis. In all honesty, they’re actually quite spread out on the map and from what I understand from reading about these things is that, in order for them to really work, you’d have to be in close proximity to the other people you’re working with as some form of encouragement.

The people who are close enough are a bunch of lazy…anyway.

I’m not discouraged though. I will continue in my efforts of forming a local group, while hopefully making friends in the process. I’m also hoping to continue with the much screwed up ACE Exercise study as a Peer Leader. Ha ha. I missed so much time from that thing due mainly to that dastardly ill health, that I’m surprised they didn’t drop me weeks ago. I’m keeping my fingers crossed though on both counts.

After that, it’s a continuation of what I’ve been doing all along. Exercising, eating properly (if I can find the food), and keep my stress levels down (ha ha HAHAHA).

By this time in 2009, I will have lost that 23 kilos. This is a dedication. My current weight 109kg which is up from my previous weight due to fluid retention. That will probably go back down to 104kg or lower within the next two days as lately, I’ve fluctuated between 102 and 109kg within a space of days. Jealous?

Now, it’s 4:30am and time for the workout to begin.

One Night In Iceland

Wow, Bobby Fischer died.

How does one even begin to approach the complexity of that issue and not come away even more of a headcase than one already is?

Should he be remembered as the virulent anti-Semite or the maverick Chess genius he was? Is it really even a decision? Both were parts of him and, as much as others might like to whitewash, its the truth. I won’t even pretend I can sit here and separate his good points from his bad.

I guess, at the end of the day, he’s going to be one of those interesting footnotes in history. Over time, his views will lose teeth and he’ll become a semi-mythical character with no point of reference for the as yet to come era. I hope he finds the peace where he is now that obviously escaped him in life.

For the record, it was Kasparov who most directly inspired my interest in and love of Chess.

A New Blog Is Born…

I finally got most of the stuff together for my new blog, Art of Lunar Bipolarity, (shut up) and now all I’m waiting on is for some kind benefactor to buy me a really good quality digital camera so I can take pictures of what I get up to.

Without that, I’m still going to have to wait out the year as stated in my goal.

One good thing about this new blog is that I can hand it around to people in the street and sell stuff right off of it. It’ll save on the often sought business cards…for now.

And Two More!

I really need to invest in some business cards. I mean seriously.

I was coming out of the bank today after depositing the Serendipity Gratuity and two guys complimented me on my scarf and gloves. When I told them I’d made them (as well as the hat), their eyes bulged out of their heads and they immediately asked for my card.

This is the fourth time I’ve been asked for one and the sixth time someone not related to me has complimented me on the stuff I’ve made in knitting. They’ve said it to the point of wanting to BUY it.

Until I can get proper cards to hand out, I’m giving them the url to an as yet uncreated WP.com and/or Blogger blog. I just need a short, easy to remember, name.

Holy…

After moping in my room, sick as heck, I come downstairs to find that mail has arrived for me.

Junk mail might you think? Nay.

It is one cheque from the second phase of a medical study I participated in for a comfortable sum of dineros which will, thankfully, just pay off a bill and give me some savings left over for my account. I’m going to take it to my bank of choice later this week to get it on the path of paying bills.

Yay me!

Travel Nightmare

Had a chance to read one of the latest blog posts on The Cliks blog. All I can say is “Damn”.

I don’t like flying. Not the Bernoulli effect per se but the whole “Someone else is flying a heap of junk undercut and put together by the lowest bidder with the cheapest materials available” sort of flying. Kind of like that classic bit of Buscemi from the movie “Armageddon“.

I’ve heard tell of the nightmarish tales of everything from hours on runways to rude attendants to…you get the idea. Heh heh, not that I’m trying to scare anyone.

Ahem…

I just can’t express how badly I feel for Lucas, his companions, and all the people on all those flights who, most unfortunately, have to deal with such sub-professional behavior.

While My Keyboard Gently Weeps

I’ve been reading some of the old writings. All I can say is “Whoa!” as I read them. Apparently, the mood upswings of Bipolar Disorder are very very good to me as it’s usually when I get all Hemingway-y-y.

I wrote out quite a few freewrites a while back that have only to be developed via dialogue and they’re as good as stories. Not two dimensional porneia either, but true and proper full bodied stories. I feel a bit shy even posting them as it would conflict with my one dimensional persona. :p

Right now, I’m in the process of going through one…with my jaw on the floor…to see where I can start on it. Too weird.

I am very grateful for the existence of OpenOffice.org though. I don’t know how I could do this without you. Wordpad is ok but that whole “Autosave” and “Recovery” thing is even better when I’m in the zone while writing.

New Knitting Moves

In order to put more flair in the “Mean Green” Scarf, I’m teaching myself some new knitting moves.

Don’t you dare laugh at me.

I’m learning how to Yarn Over. Which is odd because I most probably won’t use it for the scarf. Still, I need the working to get my creative juices flowing regarding the scarf.

I know it’s not much by some standards but, to me, this is practically Rocket Science. I’m still at a level where SSK and YO are speaking to me in a rapid staccato my untrained mind cannot as of yet fully decipher. Sure, some of the terms are familiar and, if I really focus, I can make out a bit of it based on the common rootwords involved but it’s really like someone dropping me in the middle of ancient Rome with only a rudimentary understanding of Quebecois French as my linguistic guide.

If you could only see how I study languages…

Still, I’ve got the new ball of “practice yarn” out and I’m determined. This ball (The Artist formerly known as “The scarf for my paternal parental”) will become a bag. That much is for certain. I’ve got my 29″ circulars out for just the purpose and I’m pretty much going to go in a circle making mistakes until I get it right. I guess I’ll have to learn Crochet for sure to make the bottom given how big this thing is likely to be. I figure if my melon head needs 80CO stitches for a well fitted hat then this bag should be at least 140CO to make a good sized shoulder bag. It’s acrylic, so it’s not like it’s going to shrink in the wash or anything.

Hopefully, by the time I get to “the top”, I’ll have learned how to make button holes or something. I’d like for this to be a “drawstring” bag if I can make it.

Nah, wrong language.

It will be one because I will make it.

Electra Complex…I Think Not!

Er…talked with the paternal parental again last night.

Oh, I’m so glad to be a bastard.

Oh, you’ve no idea how glad I am to be a bastard.

I consider it a mark of honor that:

1. My parents never got married.
2. My father was/is a very distant father, at best.
3. If nothing else, I inherited the stubborn streak from him which prevents me being like him in any way other than the stubbornness.

I love being a bastard. Capital B-A-S-T-A-R-D BASTARD.

Last night, while being forced on the telephone by the maternal parental, I was forced to endure had a chance to hear more of the “Life lessons”. Please note the quotation marks people. These are HIS words.

Apparently, the only good lawyer is a “Jew lawyer” and he won his case because of his “Jew lawyers” even though one robbed him as “They” do.

Oh, it gets better from there…

Ignoring all the successful black people there are in the world…my sister (his daughter) included…he then talks about how “The White Man” goes to school and starts a business when “he” comes out and that’s why “he’s” rich. In contrast, “The Black Man” goes to school and comes out buying a fancy car, big house, etc.

Then it went from ethnic group to ethnic group…religious group to religious group…

I’ll put it to you this way; he won’t be getting any invitations to the UN or any Ecumenical Congresses anytime soon.

Add this to his misogynistic view that all women should be spitting out as many children as possible for being “tainted by and descended from Eve”, he probably won’t be getting any invites to any family functions of mine either.

My family line starts with me. I’m not even giving any kids I have the surnames and that’s if I have them.

A Deadly Failure

This is just so sad…

MAYOR ADRIAN M. Fenty calls the District’s response to concerns that Banita Jacks’s four daughters were being mistreated “underwhelming and disappointing.” That understates the case by a long shot. The behavior of city officials was heartbreaking, negligent and inexcusable. The grim account of the city’s interactions with the troubled family shows a pattern of inaction and bad judgment that almost certainly contributed to the tragic deaths of four young girls. (More)

The Election Drama: On Obama

This E-mail is the biggest load of shit I have ever received. I don’t even like him and I’m pissed at it. I also knew this stuff would start up the second he made the running due to some people not being able to wrap their heads around the idea that a non-white, immigrant descended, non-christian background candidate has a shot at getting into an office of power. The same happened to Harold Ford a while back. The next time you get something like this…check an Urban Legends reference site…or your medication if you ever believe it on face value.

If you do not ever forward anything else, please forward
this to all your contacts. This is very scary to think of
what lies ahead of us here in our own United States…please
heed this and pray about it and share it.

Chain e-mails are the bane of my existence. Especially when they’re filled with lies, inconsistencies, and half truths. If I could find the people who start them, my greatest desire would be to tear them limb from limb and dance merrily upon their entrails.

Who is Barack Obama?

Probable U. S. presidential candidate, Barack Hussein Obama
was born in Honolulu, Hawaii, to Barack Hussein Obama, Sr.,
a black MUSLIM from Nyangoma-Kogel, Kenya and Ann Dunham, a
white ATHIEST from Wichita, Kansas.

Since when is it a crime to be born IN the United States of parents with two different philosophical affiliations or ethnic backgrounds. What time warp are you living in? Some people ARE Muslim just as some ARE Christian, Atheist (myself, his mother, and his father included), and a number of other life paths.

Oh yeah, a cheap shot for a cheap shot: The xenophobic racist pig that started this misspelled “Atheist”.

Obama’s parents met at the University of Hawaii. When Obama
was two years old, his parents divorced. His father returned
to Kenya. His mother then married Lolo Soetoro, a RADICAL
Muslim from Indonesia.

My goodness, if getting a University education is tantamount to treason, then I don’t know what to say. How many will have to be locked up for thinking of furthering and bettering themselves academically? How many more will need to be executed due to their falling in love in school?

Damn, practically worthy of confiscation! Sounds very familiar though…

In addition, his step-father was not a RADICAL Muslim from Indonesia. He was a NON-PRACTICING Muslim. If he had been a PRACTICING Muslim, he could not, would not, have married Barack Obama’s ATHEIST Mother. If the ignorant idiot who started this had BOTHERED to read the Qur’an then he/she would have known that MUSLIMS are only permitted to marry “PEOPLE OF THE BOOK”, i.e. CHRISTIANS, JEWS, and MUSLIMS.

IF his step-dad was as conservatively religious as this idiotic tirade claims, then he’d HARDLY be likely to MARRY Obamas’ mother.

When Obama was 6 years old, the family relocated to
Indonesia. Obama attended a MUSLIM school in Jakarta. He
also spent two years in a Catholic school.

Is it a crime to take up residence in another country? So, in essence, you (twisted deviant who wrote this) are calling all the service personnel in the Military, all the diplomats, etc. traitors for not living here behind some mythical protective shield 24/7/365(6)?

What fantasy land do you live in?

You’re also effectively accusing a six year old boy of going into training to become a page out of the Manchurian Candidate?

The wonders of hilarity never cease to amaze me. Dude, don’t touch the acid anymore. Just..put…the…bottle…down…now.

Why aren’t you paranoid about him attending a CATHOLIC school? When Kennedy (an IRISH DESCENDED CATHOLIC) was in the running back in the day, people did the same to him that you’re doing to Barack Obama now. I guess old habits die hard for ridiculous bigots like you.

Also, the last time I checked, it was no more a crime to go to a school centered on a particular religion or lack thereof, than it was to get a University education.

Obama takes great care to conceal the fact that he is a
Muslim. He is quick to point out that, ‘He was once a
Muslim, but that he also attended Catholic school.’

WHEN?!?!?!? Where is your proof?!?!?! Produce it!

Obama’s political handlers are attempting to make it appear
that he is not a radical. Obama’s introduction to Islam came
via his father, and that this influence was temporary at
best. In reality, the senior Obama returned to Kenya soon
after the divorce, and never again had any direct influence
over his son’s education.

Lolo Soetoro, the second husband of Obama’s mother, Ann Dunham,
introduced his stepson to Islam. Obama was enrolled in a
Wahabi school
in Jakarta.

If these conjured up “handlers” are as good as you say they are, then maybe you should conjure up some for Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan? They’re obviously in more need of someone to watch out for them.

Your inconsistencies are showing. Exactly WHO introduced him to this mythical form of religious indoctrination you’re obviously fantasizing about? His father, who had a nominal role, at best, in his life or his step-father who himself was a nominal Muslim at best?

Wahabism is the RADICAL teaching that is followed by the
Muslim terrorists who are now waging Jihad against the
western world. Since it is politically expedient to be a
CHRISTIAN when seeking major public office in the United
States, Barack Hussein Obama has joined the United Church of
Christ in an attempt to downplay his Muslim background.
ALSO, keep in mind that when he was sworn into office he DID
NOT use the Holy Bible, but instead the Koran.

Right now, I wish it were politically expedient to actually feel it a duty to uphold the Constitution in that clearly addled brain of yours, but hey…

Actually, you’re NOT REQUIRED to use ANY religious text, icon, or otherwise when you swear affirmation to an oath in this country…thank goodness. You’d know that if you’d paid attention in Civics class. C’mon, it’s the tenth grade in most places man…the tenth grade…

If I were to stand for public office, AS AN ATHEIST, I could swear on anything I’d please to. The chair, the table, or Donald Trumps “hair” as my choice. I could even choose…nothing at all. It’s the affirmation of integrity that counts and not what you use to do it on.

In response to your allegation though, it wasn’t Barack Obama who swore his oath on a Qur’an but (and remembering the Faux controversy over it with a chortle of glee) it was Keith Ellison. I nearly peed myself laughing at the rampant paranoia over that one both inside and outside of my family.

Keith, I’m tippin’ the glass of cranberry juice in your honor dude!

Barack Hussein Obama will NOT recite the Pledge of
Allegience NOR will he show any reverence for our flag.
While others place their hands over their hearts, Obama
turns his back to the flag and slouches.
Let us all remain alert concerning Obama’s expected
presidential candidacy.

First, where does it say that you “have” to put your hand over your heart when reciting the Pledge? If you even knew the history of the Pledge, you might not want to recite it yourself if you’re the paranoid zealot the tone of this e-mail infers to you be.

Enter short history lesson:

The Pledge of Allegiance was written by Francis Bellamy as a means of giving children from the various immigrant and native born backgrounds of this country a common means of saluting the flag (of which he was a merchant) and country in schools and teaching obedience to the State (Country). It was also meant to be an appeal for an amicable reunification of the country in the years following the Civil War and a hope for a future of liberty, justice, and equality for ALL people here.

Look it up. Unlike you, I’m not conjuring stuff out of thin air.

That must scare the hell out of someone like you, given the tone of this e-mail.

It is NOT a legal requirement to say it, nor are any COMPELLED to say it or put their hands on their hearts when/if they DO say it. Last time I checked, the FIRST AMENDMENT was still sitting there. Don’t even THINK of making an attempt at redacting history.

The Muslims have said they plan on destroying the US from
the inside out, what better way to start than at the highest
level – through the President of the United States, one of
their own!!!!

understand the importance of this and don’t let this man
gain public office in Our country.

What? All of them? All ONE BILLION plus Muslims on the planet? Even the itty bitty babies? If I see a stroller coming at me with a cute kid in it shaking its rattle, I’ll be sure to watch out. /sarcasm/

Don’t you think, if your paranoid view had any basis in reality, that the invasion would have happened already? There are just over THREE HUNDRED MILLION people verified as being in the USA compared with more than ONE BILLION Muslims in the world. Now eliminate all the people (damn near everyone really in your view) your bigoted self obviously considers to be “in bed” with “the enemy” and you’ve got some serious odds to overcome.

Are you sure you still wanna oppose that immigrant amnesty?

Read this before you bitch at me: (More here)

Blue Jay’s Feeding Day

For the past few days, I’ve been noticing a rather noisy party guest out behind my home. I know the sound the moment I hear it and often look out to see a male Blue Jay screeching his head off.

At first, I thought he was just being annoying. The Jays around here are notorious for fighting with the Crows and both often sing their heads off in a squawking contest to see who can make more noise. At times, it’s cute but usually, especially when sleeping, throttling the little buggers is the first thing that comes to mind.

This one didn’t seem pensive about anything though. In fact, he was merrily hopping from branch to branch and, on seeing that, I thought he’d either lost his mind, or his family.

It was then that I saw it. Earlier in the month, I threw the remnants of my first baking success out into the bushes where it landed in the grass just beyond visibility. I figured the most it would do is attract decomposers and, maybe, feed some larger animals who’d be attracted to eating the insects. My little friend though is apparently making quite a meal out of this loaf and it looks as though he’s eaten about half of it. Considering the half loaf was about the size of an Association Football, that’s saying something.

I’m glad someone appreciates my culinary efforts. Considering how long it sat there before I gave up on anyone eating it, you would have thought it was infected by the Black Death.

Still, why buy bagged bread when you can make it at home? At least the Blue Jays appreciate it.

Off-It is Baaaaaack!

In the past, I’ve linked to Off-it of Blogshares fame happily as this is such a charming and intelligent entity to link to.

Well, the link is back and under a new name. For anyone interested (all of you well should be…) please check out the profile sidebar under B$ Missions and click on “It’s All About Me…” to learn more about this wonderful paragon of humanity.

It’s Been A While…

I haven’t had kRaMpZ like this in quite a while. It’s almost like my body is gearing up for the 20th anniversary of my first time. Ah, that wistful Spring evening, just before my birthday. The shock and awe on the faces and in the voices of everyone who couldn’t fathom a six year old having a menstruation cycle.

It’s been twenty years and a lot of crap, but I survived. I should throw a party.

Now, that darn green scarf. I’m going to restart it again. This time, it’s going on my circular needles and it’s going to be 22CO stitches with a k1p1 stitch with occasional ribbing. This guy is a good enough comedian to warrant it.

Other than that, it’s been pretty stressful. Without going into details, a familial situation is escalating and certain parties are mining for information they have no right to mine for regarding a confidence. Everyone who reads my blogs and journals knows where my allegiances lie, so I don’t think it need be said who came sniffing.

A Sufi Quote

Oh, I like this one:

“Within your own house dwells the treasure of joy; so why do you go begging door to door?”
- Sufi saying

Bloodied But Not Bowed

This started out as an entry for days three and four on my “Go a whole year only buying food and other necessities” goal but got a bit on the long side.

I’d meant to update this yesterday but, owing to a lot of stress, I pretty much passed out and didn’t wake up until earlier this morning at around 3:50am.

My head is bloodied but not bowed and, I’m proud to say, I actually put some money in my account. It may only have been $11.57USD but it’s my accomplishment and no one is taking it away from me.

The reason for the stress yesterday is the same: My irresponsible parent. Despite swearing off borrowing any money and working towards becoming more financially responsible, she went out this past month and borrowed.

I expected her to really as I don’t have faith in her changing anymore but what happened this time shocked even me.

For the tenth time in my life, she borrowed so much money that she couldn’t even afford to pay the rent. Forget about all the other bills owing, because they still ARE owed with no way to cover for them, but she didn’t even have the rent money. Somehow, she expected me to fix it despite my lack of financial resources. I’d been stepping in as the responsible party and paying her bills where I could while she dug herself ever deeper into debt.

If it had been a situation of us living in seperate households, I’d have let them kick her out on the street. It know it sounds cruel but I’m tired of it. I’m more than $23,000.00USD in debt mainly due to her borrowing from others and draining me to pay them back. On top of that, I help with bills which digs me even deeper into debt. She doesn’t pay me back but, as I have no means to get out due to helping her pay the bills, I can’t pay down my own debt to escape.

Sadly, I’m stuck here until I can save enough money to escape. When I do get away, she’d better set up a paypal account and a blog documenting her budgetary expenditures because, once I do escape, I’m not paying anymore.

What happened yesterday was this: As people at the Reisterstown Road Plaza can attest to, she and I had a heated argument from the moment she disclosed the amount of money owed all the way up to the point where I snapped and broke down. I should have asked the guards to call the hospital and taken my money with me but, as I said, I live there too.

The whole thing started in the Food Court and, while there was no yelling, it was loud enough that everyone within twenty feet heard what was being said. I sat there and told her that, due to her sucking the life out of me, I had no money and she just kept asking as though I could vomit it out of my mouth like an ATM machine. Then she walked off and begged (that’s right, I call it BEGGING, not “borrowing” as she does) the money off of some guy she borrowed the first amount from. She was completely blasé about the fact that she was being so irresponsible and that I was at the point where I was openly crying due to the stress and the level of betrayal.

I wandered around the Plaza in a daze with no clue of what to do. I went to my bank before getting frustrated by the mere idea of her doing what she did and walked back over towards the liquor store, intending to pay the bill. Then I just stood there by the payphones, paralyzed. I knew I had to sit and think for a moment, so I went over to a seat behind an unused merchants stall and just stared into empty space.

Of course, ill luck would have it that she saw me and she immediately tottered after me pretending to be concerned. When she stood there and saw me crying, she didn’t ask what was wrong, she asked if I was ready to go. I told her to get away from me. I couldn’t deal with her or anyone else at that moment and just needed some time to myself. She kept acting like nothing was wrong.

Finally, I snapped. I started openly sobbing and I called her everything she was. Selfish, narcissistic, greedy, callous, and I told her that she didn’t care. It’s plainly obvious that she doesn’t care that she’s causing pain to everyone she’s doing this to.

She stood there and put on a show for everyone by saying that “she was doing the best that she could” but it was just that, a show. She usually does that in public to save face when she gets called out on stuff she knows she’s culpable for.

I called her out on it and told her that she wasn’t and that she was lying. I told her what she already knows: That the stress of having to deal with her is killing me. She didn’t care though and, once she realized I wasn’t budging and “forgiving” her, she just said, “Well, I’m going home then.” in a huff as though I were the one who wronged her.

After she’d gone, I stood up, steeled myself, and paid the minimum on a three month overdue Gas and Electric biil as well as a minimum payment on one of mine. I’m now trying to scrounge up the money for the minimum on a three month overdue telephone bill as well.

After that, I went to get a bus pass for the month so we could travel and when one merchant didn’t have it I walked to the Metro station before purchasing the pass. For anyone who’s not familiar with the area I’m talking about, it’s not one of the safer places to walk. I just didn’t care though. In a way, I was almost hoping that something would happen to me so I wouldn’t have to go home. I’m that tired of dealing with this and all by myself.

I’d (thankfully) just missed the train that would have taken me towards where I live and instead got on the one going in the opposite direction. I needed to clear my head of what were escalating into seriously morbid suicidal thoughts. Then I remembered that the exercise study was scheduled for yesterday and asked the rider behind me for the time. Fortunately for me, it was just in time for me to get down there and at the very least get something of a workout. Boots, tank jeans, and all, I walked over to the study site at Johns Hopkins Hospital and worked out for a good half an hour.

Afterward, I did some followup testing and, once I’d finished that, I was prepared to leave. I explained my situation to the clinicians and they were totally understanding.

As I prepared to go though, the weirdest (fortuitous?) thing happened. One of the study participants from the next class noticed how I put my scarf on (bloody cold today) and complimented me on it. I told him, I made it and wanted to show it off in the hopes that others would buy it. At first what I said didn’t register but when it finally clicked, he was shocked and complimented me on my craftpersonship. Specifically, he said he “liked my Artistic flair” and no, it wasn’t a pickup line.

So, on top of getting a potential customer, making a possible new friend, I’m now quite possibly going to have some exposure to other artistic people.

That series of circumstances really helped in lifting my mood a bit. Oh yeah, I helped save a huge cockroach from eminent demise at the hands (?) of a large shoe.

Still, I’m going to get out of this situation with the parent and I’m glad that my boundaries were set today, even in so public a place, as its helped even more in dealing with and overcoming the stress.

You see, I’m at the point where, to make ends meet, I’ve been signing up for clinical studies. Currently, I’m not doing the ones where they give you stuff but, believe me, I’ve been tempted. Some offer as much as $8,000.00 for taking pharmaceuticals. That would pay off two bills I’ve been barely able to cover the minimum on due to this whole nonsense.

Yet it’s never enough. The more I put into the house, the more she takes out and never for anything important. It’s usually for her cigarettes, snacks, and such. Where my work ethic and economic responsibility came from, I can only hazard a guess that it’s from PBS because it sure as hell didn’t come from her or my father.

I won’t let her affect me though. I’ll keep saving and working on getting out of here.

Not Just Fishermans’ Friend…

They’re also mine. I love these things. I know I probably shouldn’t but I’m at the point where I can eat them like candy.

They’re one of the few things that knock the ass off of colds when I get them. They’re also great for sinus congestion.

Sucking a Fishermen’s Friend could get you into trouble

Police in Germany are warning motorists that sucking a Fishermen’s Friend could get them into trouble.

It comes after a 24-year-old driver was found to be over the legal drink-drive limit during a routine control in Munich.

He was taken to the police station where blood tests found he had no alcohol in his system.

The man was released after officers found the strongest thing he had taken was a Fisherman’s Friend.

Forensic doctor Thomas Gilg said the essential oils contained in the throat sweets reacted in the same way as alcohol on hand-held breathalysers.

He said in tests they found just three of the mentholated sweets could cause a motorist to test three times over the legal limit.