Bloodied But Not Bowed

This started out as an entry for days three and four on my “Go a whole year only buying food and other necessities” goal but got a bit on the long side.

I’d meant to update this yesterday but, owing to a lot of stress, I pretty much passed out and didn’t wake up until earlier this morning at around 3:50am.

My head is bloodied but not bowed and, I’m proud to say, I actually put some money in my account. It may only have been $11.57USD but it’s my accomplishment and no one is taking it away from me.

The reason for the stress yesterday is the same: My irresponsible parent. Despite swearing off borrowing any money and working towards becoming more financially responsible, she went out this past month and borrowed.

I expected her to really as I don’t have faith in her changing anymore but what happened this time shocked even me.

For the tenth time in my life, she borrowed so much money that she couldn’t even afford to pay the rent. Forget about all the other bills owing, because they still ARE owed with no way to cover for them, but she didn’t even have the rent money. Somehow, she expected me to fix it despite my lack of financial resources. I’d been stepping in as the responsible party and paying her bills where I could while she dug herself ever deeper into debt.

If it had been a situation of us living in seperate households, I’d have let them kick her out on the street. It know it sounds cruel but I’m tired of it. I’m more than $23,000.00USD in debt mainly due to her borrowing from others and draining me to pay them back. On top of that, I help with bills which digs me even deeper into debt. She doesn’t pay me back but, as I have no means to get out due to helping her pay the bills, I can’t pay down my own debt to escape.

Sadly, I’m stuck here until I can save enough money to escape. When I do get away, she’d better set up a paypal account and a blog documenting her budgetary expenditures because, once I do escape, I’m not paying anymore.

What happened yesterday was this: As people at the Reisterstown Road Plaza can attest to, she and I had a heated argument from the moment she disclosed the amount of money owed all the way up to the point where I snapped and broke down. I should have asked the guards to call the hospital and taken my money with me but, as I said, I live there too.

The whole thing started in the Food Court and, while there was no yelling, it was loud enough that everyone within twenty feet heard what was being said. I sat there and told her that, due to her sucking the life out of me, I had no money and she just kept asking as though I could vomit it out of my mouth like an ATM machine. Then she walked off and begged (that’s right, I call it BEGGING, not “borrowing” as she does) the money off of some guy she borrowed the first amount from. She was completely blasé about the fact that she was being so irresponsible and that I was at the point where I was openly crying due to the stress and the level of betrayal.

I wandered around the Plaza in a daze with no clue of what to do. I went to my bank before getting frustrated by the mere idea of her doing what she did and walked back over towards the liquor store, intending to pay the bill. Then I just stood there by the payphones, paralyzed. I knew I had to sit and think for a moment, so I went over to a seat behind an unused merchants stall and just stared into empty space.

Of course, ill luck would have it that she saw me and she immediately tottered after me pretending to be concerned. When she stood there and saw me crying, she didn’t ask what was wrong, she asked if I was ready to go. I told her to get away from me. I couldn’t deal with her or anyone else at that moment and just needed some time to myself. She kept acting like nothing was wrong.

Finally, I snapped. I started openly sobbing and I called her everything she was. Selfish, narcissistic, greedy, callous, and I told her that she didn’t care. It’s plainly obvious that she doesn’t care that she’s causing pain to everyone she’s doing this to.

She stood there and put on a show for everyone by saying that “she was doing the best that she could” but it was just that, a show. She usually does that in public to save face when she gets called out on stuff she knows she’s culpable for.

I called her out on it and told her that she wasn’t and that she was lying. I told her what she already knows: That the stress of having to deal with her is killing me. She didn’t care though and, once she realized I wasn’t budging and “forgiving” her, she just said, “Well, I’m going home then.” in a huff as though I were the one who wronged her.

After she’d gone, I stood up, steeled myself, and paid the minimum on a three month overdue Gas and Electric biil as well as a minimum payment on one of mine. I’m now trying to scrounge up the money for the minimum on a three month overdue telephone bill as well.

After that, I went to get a bus pass for the month so we could travel and when one merchant didn’t have it I walked to the Metro station before purchasing the pass. For anyone who’s not familiar with the area I’m talking about, it’s not one of the safer places to walk. I just didn’t care though. In a way, I was almost hoping that something would happen to me so I wouldn’t have to go home. I’m that tired of dealing with this and all by myself.

I’d (thankfully) just missed the train that would have taken me towards where I live and instead got on the one going in the opposite direction. I needed to clear my head of what were escalating into seriously morbid suicidal thoughts. Then I remembered that the exercise study was scheduled for yesterday and asked the rider behind me for the time. Fortunately for me, it was just in time for me to get down there and at the very least get something of a workout. Boots, tank jeans, and all, I walked over to the study site at Johns Hopkins Hospital and worked out for a good half an hour.

Afterward, I did some followup testing and, once I’d finished that, I was prepared to leave. I explained my situation to the clinicians and they were totally understanding.

As I prepared to go though, the weirdest (fortuitous?) thing happened. One of the study participants from the next class noticed how I put my scarf on (bloody cold today) and complimented me on it. I told him, I made it and wanted to show it off in the hopes that others would buy it. At first what I said didn’t register but when it finally clicked, he was shocked and complimented me on my craftpersonship. Specifically, he said he “liked my Artistic flair” and no, it wasn’t a pickup line.

So, on top of getting a potential customer, making a possible new friend, I’m now quite possibly going to have some exposure to other artistic people.

That series of circumstances really helped in lifting my mood a bit. Oh yeah, I helped save a huge cockroach from eminent demise at the hands (?) of a large shoe.

Still, I’m going to get out of this situation with the parent and I’m glad that my boundaries were set today, even in so public a place, as its helped even more in dealing with and overcoming the stress.

You see, I’m at the point where, to make ends meet, I’ve been signing up for clinical studies. Currently, I’m not doing the ones where they give you stuff but, believe me, I’ve been tempted. Some offer as much as $8,000.00 for taking pharmaceuticals. That would pay off two bills I’ve been barely able to cover the minimum on due to this whole nonsense.

Yet it’s never enough. The more I put into the house, the more she takes out and never for anything important. It’s usually for her cigarettes, snacks, and such. Where my work ethic and economic responsibility came from, I can only hazard a guess that it’s from PBS because it sure as hell didn’t come from her or my father.

I won’t let her affect me though. I’ll keep saving and working on getting out of here.