Neon Blue…Bras?

Okay…I relented and checked out the Lane Bryant website.

I’d been opposed up until now due to the fact that I wanted a SPORTS bra. My fruitless search eventually led me cold, drenched, and bedraggled at the door of this particular online merchant. Apparently, if you’re above a certain weight or cup size, you’re not meant to work out or something.

I look through the site thinking “This is the place! I’m sure to find something here in the area of SPORTS bras!” but no. It wasn’t to be and, in fact, it was sickeningly wrong to have to look at some of the styles and colors available.

I’m a Basic Black kind of person. It’s my preferred color to wear and, if I can help it, I usually have a full outfit of it with maybe the shirt in an alternating color…maybe.

The colors I saw on that site could have signaled extra-terrestrial life forms of our presence from trillions of light years away. Now, I’m pretty big at more than a size DDD and I haven’t even been properly sized yet but I’m guessing I’m somewhere in the neighborhood of at least an F. I don’t think I really need a neon green bra in my size. It’s…just…not…at…the…top…of…my…agenda. It actually got worse from there with the colors available ranging from neon pink, neon blue, some weird color called “Mojito” and the Pièce de Résistance…a Nuclear weapons grade bright red bra that nearly burned my eyes out. I still have trouble seeing as of a little over twenty minutes later.

The only other available colors were beige, ivory, white, and tan. I don’t want beige, ivory, white, and/or tan. I sure as hell don’t want the Intimate apparel version of A Horse of a Different Color from the Wizard of Oz…

Then the other audacity. Thin straps with no supporting cushioning. Permit me a moment while I laugh so hard that I piss myself.

You’re reading the blog of someone who’s got “Bra Burn”. Yes, Bra Burn. I was working out one morning in what I later determined to be “The Wrong Bra”. I had it on due to the overwhelming pain I was suffering as a result of…*looks down*…you get the idea.

While keeping up with Kid Fitness, I noticed my shoulder burning and didn’t think much of it until I saw the BLOOD seeping through my shirt. Evidently, I’d given myself a friction burn so bad that it took nearly two weeks to heal fully. Even so it left two permanent (*?*) marks on my shoulder as testimony should anyone wonder whether I actually worked out that morning.

So thin straps? BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

Still, the question remains. Why is it so difficult for someone of a certain cup measurement to find at least a passable Sports Bra?

As soon as I have the answer to that one, I’ll come back and tell you all.