Now that I’m back to posting on my Danga Style journals, I feel complete.

Butterbrain forgot how to set up the multi account thing on Semagic and had to go trufflehunting for it. Thankfully, she also forgot that she made that post one of her memories on LJ prior to switching over to IJ as her main posting site.

This is pretty much me feeling proud of myself for having the presence of mind to not only save that but of being able to do it myself this time without a litany of tears.

Aside from that, I finally got some help with my goal. Someone else who didn’t laugh at me. Considering how much negative feedback I’d gotten, I was honestly at the threshold of just giving up but I feel renewed about my purpose now. Ironic.

I love my allergies. Everyone thinks I have H1N1 and so they all avoid me due to the sneezing. Definite positive. This gives me time to catch up on all my studies and guilty pleasures like Jeremy Brett Sherlock Holmes episodes. The reality of the situation is that Team Allergy rolled through here to cut the grass (what grass?) on Monday and, even now, surfaces are covered with the blown around mold and other particles.

Keeping in mind that today is a cool, rainy, somewhat dark day. Bonus. It’s washing Team Allergy’s work away for the most part and keeping it deliciously cool, yet not so cold as to be uncomfortable.

I set boundaries with the Maternal Parental and she doesn’t know which way to turn. The more I reach out for something other than this co-dependent chaos, the more I can feel the cigarette stained claws digging into me trying to drag me back. Not happening though. I just hit all my volunteer stuff, prospective volunteer stuff, and am about to hit Meetup to look for even more things to go to that are away from it.

I’m getting pressures even now to have children. I, a single, seriously mentally ill person, barely able to support myself, and I’m supposed to start shooting out kids…by what means? Even if I wanted kids, with whom am I going to have them? Unless they’ve perfected cloning and/or parthenogenesis without my knowledge, having a kid would require at least one partner with the designation of “biologically Male”.

The more the pressure gets laid on, the more I have blissful dreams of my own place. Little to no furniture and only my few supplies for sewing, knitting, crocheting, etc. along with my other living basics.

Come to think on it, that reminds me of another place I could call about a volunteer (or hopefully paid!) position.

Speaking of money… $7,000.00USD to be part of a weight management study and damn it if I don’t qualify. Not only am I currently too medicated but I’m just above the threshold of their “heavy” requirement for BMI.

Now to get back to reading this book called “Faster, Better, Stronger” by Eric Heiden, Massimo Testa, and Deanne Musolf. I’m hoping to pick up some pointers on fitness from its pages.

Ode of Remembrance

They went with songs to the battle, they were young.
Straight of limb, true of eyes, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted,
They fell with their faces to the foe.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning,
We will remember them.

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

On the advice of my therapist, I looked up the local DBSA chapters to see if one is close. One really is but, alas, it conflicts with (of all things) his appointment.

Otherwise, it would be great. It’s right near a place I was interested in checking out. Close to a library and close to a yarn shop I was also interested in checking out. It’s also not too far from school when I eventually start back up. In lieu of dues, I could volunteer there to cover my membership (so sayeth the site) and they’ve got Arts and Crafts.

I don’t know. We’re going to have to have a talk and I’m going to have to figure out how to make this schedule work.

On the advice of a separate individual who also happens to be a genius and a good human being, I’m going to be scaling back on the level of involvement I have in some things. Chief among these things is my tendency to be the go between for situations that are technically not to do with me. I am not a Case Manager and no one is even offering to pay me to be one.

I’ve got enough on my plate as it is without having to worry about other peoples stuff as well. Slowly but surely, I’ve been taking care if my debts and all the other crap I’ve been putting on the back burner in my life to render aid to others who are more than capable of doing these things themselves or finding someone qualified to help them. It makes me feel better to know that I have been taking time out for myself and minimizing the problems in my own life rather than letting them fester until both they and I reach a breaking point.

All the time I’m working on this, I’m also taking time to center on myself to determine what truly gives me a reason to keep going; what makes me happiest when I’m doing it. The Genius gave me simple advice but, even with that simplicity, it’s probably going to be the single most heart wrenching thing I’ve done.

In the meantime, I read, study, write (’cause I got a good keyboard now), do Promo, Knit, Crochet, Sew, and otherwise learn.

I just found out that the majority of my required medical labs aren’t covered by my insurance handler. Now consider, I asked them in advance of even signing up for them whether or not they covered these specific medical procedures. At the time, they were all “Sure, yeah we do!” but now they’re having disconnects, fuzzy maths, and anything else to confuse the issue.

I take medications that REQUIRE me to have regular labwork done to check my levels and liver function. Why in the hell would I sign up with an insurance carrier that would rip me off to the tune of thousands of dollars given that I asked them IN ADVANCE whether or not they covered these basic procedures?

At this point, it would be cheaper for me to forget about insurance at all, sign up for fee scale, and pay out of pocket.

What’s the point in having insurance if its going to cost more than not having insurance? I think when the time for my renewal comes up, I’m going to make it a priority to switch to another carrier.

Oh finally, I am out of keyboard hell.

For quite a while now, I’ve been dealing with semi-dead keyboarding issues.

For the lowly price of $9.00USD I have a working keyboard capable of typing exclamation points and Question marks. All those keys people usually take for granted until accessibility wizard knocks them all out with no chance of recovery.

The only thing is that it’s a USB keyboard and I’ve got ps/2 ports. Shut up! Ahhhhhh exclamation points.

I might invest in a hub until I can get a newer model computer. Then when I trade this one off on the Maternal Parental for her educational use, I’ll have one with multiple hub slots capable of handling all my perephials.

I can write again!!!!!

Ok, this is just plain stupid.

If someone is desperate for a job, why would they turn down a perfectly good advertisement…

I know someone who claims to be desperate to find work but, despite repeated advertisements for jobs at the Jo-Anns up in Owings Mills, this person will not even apply for the job. It’s the very job they want but they’re not touching it. Instead, they’d rather travel thirty plus miles out of their way to work on the other side of the county at a place they know damn well they won’t be able to get to at the best of times. Forget about bad weather and traffic jams.

Me thinks someone doesn’t really want a job.

I actually kept this information from someone openly looking for work in the street Halloween night because I was hoping that this person would see reason and take this opportunity while its in their face.

See if I do this next time. I should have given that lady I saw the information instead. At least she was keen.

What possesses people to adhere to the chemical regimen?

I was talking about putting two strand twists in my hair with the Maternal Parental and, despite repeatedly mentioning needing a spray bottle to put water in for use during the styling of my hair, all that was heard was “chemical”. I got multiple suggestions on how I could use any number of spray amalgams to “fix” my hair and have it look like other womens hair.

Uh no.

I like my hair the way it is.

I was already leaning towards splurging to take her to see the movie Good Hair. After today, I would say the leaning is in the territory of keeling over.

Aside from that, I have the Flu. Dunno which version of it, but no normal Rhinoviral pathogen could take me down like this. I’m starting to get better and, hopefully, I’ll be at least mobile by tomorrow. I have a heavy backlog of work, which I do not like at all. I also have more volunteer training that I absolutely do not want to miss.

Found while on 43things for personal tag editing. Makes you think.

“There are many more people trying to meet the right person than to become the right person.”
- Gloria Steinhem

It was recently brought to my attention that I tend to over-apologize for things even when they’re not my fault. It’s a long, bad habit that goes back a way based on a past history of too much people pleasing in settings far too dysfunctional. I’m making an effort to minimize it but it was nice to get a kick in the pants [so to speak] about it.

Little improvements made over time adding up to one big change. Oh yeah, and I finally made another passable scrap via crocheting. I think it can now be said…I’m a hooker with a heart of gold. *groan*

Not only did I have to start a second Composition Notebook journal after a request from my therapist on Monday for a small record of my recent mood and sleeping habits but the damn thing is now getting so dark, its insane. I’m not sure whether it’s a good or bad thing that I’m more amused than shocked by the whole thing. It’s now more than ten pages with the promise of much more for less than two days worth of writing so far.

I am currently rapid cycling and my mood has been shifting from one extreme to the next in as few as fifteen minutes. It’s actually quite an interesting thing to observe when I’m not busy going through the pain and trauma of it all. Sadly, more often than not, I don’t have the clinical detachment to appreciate the scientific side of this. Sort of living it, which isn’t fun at all.

I am exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and anything else one could think to throw in there.

Ah well, back to it. I’m dragging behind in some volunteer stuff and I want to get it finished before three hours are up.

I just hope this tones down before my Jury duty comes up. If I’m still this bad or worse a week from now, I’m going to put in for a postponement.