The Paternal Parental

A little under a week ago, I found out that my father died.

 

It’s very odd but the uncomfortable shackles of estrangement I’ve been used to my entire life now seem to be melting away. In their place is an emancipating comprehension that my destiny is my own and that I’m not, ultimately, responsible for other’s emotions, behaviors, or previous actions.

 

In a few days, I have a funeral to go to and quite possibly a lot (and I do mean a lot) of relatives to meet. When I went to my uncle’s funeral service in 2002, the place was filled to overflow capacity. I don’t really know my paternal family at all so, it will be very interesting being around so many people who are related to me for whom I have no living memory.

 

I was discussing with a friend of mine that I wished I could bring my knitting or crochet work but we both agreed that it probably wouldn’t be a good idea given that I am one of the next of kin of the deceased at the upcoming funeral. I’ve never done anything like this before so, please don’t take it as me being rude or flippant. I just tend to function better with something occupying my mind like knitting, crocheting or my phone. Otherwise, the anxiety kicks in majorly.

 

Another friend of mine offered to go with me despite living more than one hundred miles from me. He’s incredibly kind.

 

All my friends have been wonderfully kind and sweet during this time and I really appreciate each and every last one of them. They truly are family to me in all but blood.

 

I need to go make dinner now. Later.

Infinite Potential

Right now, I think I know what it feels like to be an un-sprouted seed, on the cusp of bursting forth into the cacophonic din of Life’s heady mix. I’m feeling that way and I’m not quite sure why. I’m long past the age of getting pangs of idealistic wanderlust. Yet, suddenly, I want to travel about, see all the things and do all the adventures. Ugh, is there a pill for this? Only kidding. Only just.

 

More realistically, I want to travel with my mind and write all the things. I am attempting to melt this Antarctic sized Writer’s Block I’ve got wedged in my brain but to no avail. In fact, the mere presence of it has crept over into my knitting and crocheting. Oh yes, I have Yarnblock or Fiberblock. Is there such a thing? The mere thought of my large scale projects gets me exhausted. So, I am looking forward to a small scale commission from my friend, Valerie. She wishes for me to make her Monster Slippers and I shall oblige, for her, free of charge. Something small, bright, fun and colorful could be just the thing to knock this creative blockage out of me.

 

If there’s one thing I’ve been doing well, it has been escapism. I’ve been re-watching Torchwood – Children of Earth for the umpteenth time. No spoilers here. All I will say is that it is a fantastic series and well worth watching.

 

No news about My Not So Secret Garden yet. The container garden and Aerogarden are doing lovely but I haven’t heard word one from the liaison for the community gardens since we talked a few months ago. I’m on the list. However long it takes, I’m willing to wait.

 

My Peppers sprouted today actually. I’m sitting on the fence about putting them under the Aerogarden’s light hood. Due to the Omega block weather patterning, we haven’t gotten much sun lately, so, if it’s cloudy tomorrow, I’m going to risk it and put the peppers as close as I dare to the hydroponically grown plants.

 

That’s about it until something interesting or exciting (or both) happens. Really missing Lotta right now.

 

Later!

Rage, Hurt and Healing

I just participated in the #WhenIWas hashtag on Twitter. In case you all don’t know what that is, this link and this link should explain it in more detail.

 

I have to say, it was very cathartic getting these events written down outside of my private writings. There were so many instances that I had to stop writing for my sanity’s sake. Like many others, I paused before tweeting and considered deleting my tweets several times before letting them stand. Then, I thought about it. Why, after all these years, should these people have power over me to write or not write a tweet confronting the disgusting truth of what was done?

 

I have never understood the mentality of pushing the victimized person in the corner and blaming them for the horrors they’ve suffered. Yet, I’m seeing it and have seen it over and over in my day to day life. Where is all the outrage for the person doing the victimizing?

 

This stuff is unacceptable. No one should have to go through these things.

Happy Birthday To Me

Hey, I’m almost thirty-five years old. Wow. Anyway, to the posting.

 

For some time now, I have been unable to sleep without a lot of effort. This has proved exhausting to my life and my schedule. So exhausting that, paradoxically, I have frequently gone days without adequate sleep. I’m not sure what has been causing this but I am hoping it will go away soon. My pdoc prescribed 50mg of diphenhydramine for this issue and…it didn’t work. There I was, in bed all night long, staring at the backs of my eyelids, wishing for some kind of intervention that would give me a good night’s rest.

 

I wasn’t worried about anything.

I wasn’t agitated.

I wasn’t upset.

I just couldn’t sleep for some reason.

 

My sleep issues had gotten to the point where they’d affected my writing abilities, my knitting and crocheting abilities, my physical health, my coordination and fine motor skills in cooking. Imagine being sleep deprived while trying to work with a sharp knife, a heated stovetop, or a boiling hot pot of water? Yeah, my lack of sleep was a detriment to myself and others after a while.

 

The one thing I could still do was screw up my vision to focus, barely. So, I read books: both eBooks and Treebooks in my possession until my brain didn’t want to take in more information. Once the overload was completed, I took my meds, went to bed and…after two and a half hours, fell asleep for two blocks of sleep totaling eight hours and forty seven minutes. Yay.

 

As of right now, I’m still more than a bit shaky but, as you can see, I am writing again. Hopefully, with more sleep and time to recover, I can work on those stories and crafting projects of mine. 

 

Speaking of books and media. I think it’s time for another cull. I’m taking out the books with dated information, gleaning what I can from them before sending them for recycling if possible. The movies, I’m going to view them once more (the unwanted) before donating them to charity or selling them. After all, I do have a challenge on Goodreads to read at least fifty books before the end of the year. This seems like a good way to do it.

 

On the Aerogarden front, the Aerogarden of Serendipity continues to amaze me.

 

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This is representative of thirty three days of growth. I have cut all visible plants back several times and they just keep on growing like they’re Kudzu or something. The Genovese Basil is particularly scary…I mean amazing as I cut it back to nothing more than a few leaf tips less than ten days prior and it grew back in record time. It is now overtaking the “Thai” Basil, pushing aside the Mint and shading the Cilantro. I had to raise the Light hood a bit to accommodate it.

 

I did have to get replacements for two pods. The Chives, well, to be honest Chive, died on me. The Cilantro never sprouted. So, I am now waiting for these replacements to grow. I hope they do. My room normally smells pretty good but, right now, it smells extra lovely. It’s very fragrant and smells of Basil, Mint, and Dill.

 

Due to my lack of coordination, I haven’t done much in the way of crocheting. I hope to change that in the next few days as my strength returns.

 

Thank you for reading. Have a great evening.

Face Value Dating

I don’t normally post about Polyamory topics because, it’s my private life and others do it far more eloquently than I ever could.

However, an agony aunt letter in the Love Letters section of Boston.com led me to write this.

In the letter, the petitioner for advice was bemoaning how a potential (in her mind) love interest wasn’t going along with her ideal fantasy of the way things should go. Namely, that he should drop everything and instantly do exactly as she wished with no thought or regard to his own condition, despite his being honest from the beginning about being non-monogamous. Yes, you’ve read this right. He came right out in the beginning and said he was non-monogamous. He must have thought highly of her initially before it all went Loony Toons.

My hat goes off to him for his unflinching honesty.

Anyway, back to the tale. Instead of accepting what he said at face value, she decides to, in her words, “call his bluff” and say that she’s “fine with Polyamory” when it comes up a second time. This is despite the fact that she’s apparently deeply monogamous and not even remotely interested in being Polyamorous.

 

*scratching head in a most confused manner*

Most of you can guess what’s coming. It eventually gets to the point where he texts her with his misgivings about her not being mature enough to understand his need for Polyamory. She then has the nerve to write in this letter that she has anxiety over this situation when she caused this whole drama fest by saying she was okay with his being Polyamorous in the first place. She’s saying she made concessions and asks of the advice giver when she she should stop making these imagined concessions and give up on the relationship.

1. You are a liar.

2. You are a manipulator.

3. You’ve brought this drama into your own life all by yourself by trying to change this guy.

That man was open, honest and completely upfront about himself from day one. With all due respect, you were not. You tried to change him and it blew up in your face. You need to accept that and move on. It’s not you that needs to get away from him, it’s him that needs to fly away from you. You are a drama llama. Nice talking.

And they call me crazy.

First Green Sproutings

This blog entry was simulcast on my GardenStew blog, Polycotyledon. Please check out GardenStew, it’s a really great community.

 

I looked in on the Aerogarden of Serendipity today and the Genovese Basil is sprouting up after only three days being “planted”. It’s actually beating out the Thai Basil, which was supposed to come up first. Regardless of which is first in sprouting, it’s lovely to see them. I love growing things.

In other news, I had an opportunity to show The Maternal Parental the future site of My Not So Secret Garden today. We were riding in a cab with a really rude and dismissive cab driver. When I explained my plans for the garden plot I’m hoping to get, to my mother, he was really negative about the whole plan.

My actual plans are to grow food for The Maternal Parental and I, with a portion going to my friend for helping us out so much, as well as another friend who may or mayn’t take up the offer due to his living so far from me. Any extra food will be given to those in need.

From both my own experience being impoverished and from watching Gardening programs that focus on community activism, I’m all too well aware that most food banks don’t have a ready supply of perishable, fresh fruits and vegetables. It’s mostly canned goods, boxed goods, and bagged goods.

While it certainly sustains, it’s not always the healthiest option out there when compared with fresh produce. Being honest, and I have written about this in the past on my blog, fresh produce is a nightmare to get ahold of when you’re on a limited budget. So, my plan was to give the extra to the food bank or, if they were unwilling/unable to take it, find a family in need to give it to free of charge.

Apparently, that was all too much for the allegedly charitable cab driver who scoffed at the notion and tried to poke holes in every aspect of my plan.

It’s like, dude, why are you so invested in tearing my idea down? I hardly know ye and your dedication to obstruction goes way beyond constructive criticism.

Anyway…tangent.

So, The Maternal Parental got a chance to see the site and loved it. Though, she is worried about my ability to get there due to the Agoraphobia issue. I feel much more confident about it though. Between my friend taking me there on a semi-regular to regular basis and the distance being relatively short from the nearest bus stop, I feel somewhat confident that I can make it there.

I just need to actually get my hands on the site first…

I Got It!!!!!

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A sneak peak of the new Aerogarden of Serendipity’s box…and my Kindle. Yes, I read a lot. Don’t judge. wlEmoticon-rollingonthefloorlaughing.png

 

I just got this today, 26 February. I’ll be setting it up on or before 13 March 2016. I’m waiting, not so patiently, for the tomatoes to ripen in the old Ultra LED garden before I can begin procedures to clean it out one last time. From there, it will go to its new home with a good local friend.

 

I have my heating vents closed (it’s Winter here) so the tomatoes will have the proper temperature to ripen in. I can only top off the reservoir with icy cold water to bring the ambient temperature in the vessel down to acceptable levels. Even so, two are already showing signs of ripening as I type this. The rest of the larger ones are beginning to turn whitish, while the smaller green ones grow bigger by the hour.

 

So, for now, I’m just twiddling my thumbs waiting for these fruit to turn red. It would be a real shame if, at the end of this, I had to cut these plants down without harvesting this fruit. There’s at least thirty fruit between the two vines. Regardless of my reticence, 12 March is the cut off day for these plants and this Ultra LED.

 

Thanks for reading. Please, enjoy your day.

 

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