Sitting here at 04:17am, I have four things on my mind:
- How in the hell am I going to get to my appointments today?
- Why do I ever bother to read about military recruitment stuff?
- Why does ovulation have to be such a bitch?
- WTF am I meant to do for a job/career/future existence?
#1. There is a good portion of ice and snow outside right now that didn’t just melt away like it normally does here in Maryland. All the previous winter storms we’ve had thus far were, at best, minor annoyances that went away almost as soon as they came. It was actually quite delightful watching a massive bank of clouds rolling in with the pseudo-promise of a major storm only to have it blow over just as quickly as it came.
Yet this time around, we’ve got it bad. The initial stuff was snow before turning to a sort of sleet. It then went back to snow before turning to freezing rain. All of this led to a nice aggregate of black ice and snow all over the ground. The snow I can see but the black ice is of that super thin (lets break your neck on) variety that’s nearly impossible to detect until you’re right on top of it.
I’ve got two places to go today; one in Reisterstown and the other in downtown Baltimore. Someone (or both) had better be closed today. I don’t feel like it. I am tired and I’m nearly willing to sit this one out. The only thing making me go to one appointment today is due to the fact that it’s to refill two named prescriptions I require to function.
#2. I got this shiny holographic card when I was at college a few weeks ago and on a lark, decided to visit the Maryland Army National Guard website written on there. I managed to read this once my PC stopped choking on the love affair they had with Shockwave… They mentioned a lot about how wonderful it is to serve and all of the great benefits one can get through military service. They also make it seem so hip and cool and that it’s a grueling but rewarding enlistment that the enlistee will cherish for the rest of their lives.
Wait for it. It’s coming.
The one thing they failed to mention on the site (as far as I could see) was that having Bipolar Disorder is generally considered an automatic deferral from enlisting in any of the Armed Services in this country. Believe me, I’ve tried the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, and the Air National Guard and the answer was always the same. Now I may have my share of issues but, even off the meds, I’m positively peachy when compared with some of the people I know some the recruiters were willing to accept at my old school. It’s creepy…
Aside from the fact that I’m Bisexual and a whole lot of other things most probably considered scandalous in the regulations, I think I’ll consider other options. Evidently, the neurodiversity issue I have is very prevalent in the Arts. Ha. I can’t sing, dance, or anything other than cook, knit, draw a bit, and write as far as I know. Zzzzzz…
#3. Nature is such a quixotic creature sometimes. Normally, on the 27th day, I get at the worst a body wracking debilitating pain that seems like a fathomless abyss from which there is no escape. This is contrasted by my more recent experience of virtually no pain at all due to (my belief and empirical evidence) my vegetarian/vegan diet. I also avoid coffee, artificial sweeteners, and other things in modern society that would make people think I was rocking it like it was 1899.
Now contrast this with now. I am hoovering any and all salty, sweet, carbohydrate rich foods I can find. My mind is mostly on things that aren’t productive for my mind to be on at the present. 😀 Yet, the energy level is through the roof despite me not being hypomanic or off my medication in any way. The body temperature is currently at 100F, my senses are in overdrive, my gut is currently a minor annoyance, and has been for the past freaking two days. Yes, Post-Genderist referrals, this is ovulation. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!
All the things above, barring the temperature, food cravings, and the gut pain, could be construed as signs of an impending mood episode but lucky me (HA!) I’ve got the other three things to let me know.
A note to all testosterone enhanced, pheromone producing/receptive, spermatozoa possessing, tall, muscular, hairy, brunette persons of the masculine persuasion: stay away. *cold look*
#4. Last but not least (thanks for your patience by the way), what sort of future does the Bipolar Person have? I am willing to dedicate myself to continuing my education for the immediate future and, though I have quite a few avenues I’d like to travel down, I’m still no closer to determining just what I’d like to pursue. Should I follow the alleged trend of my peers and get into some type of Arts related career or should I follow my passion and write?
The other forms of art seems highly strange to me. At two of the places I go for regular medical checkups, there are arts programs available but both seem (I don’t want to sound grandiose) beneath what I know would be a real challenge for me. I really would prefer a mental/intellectual challenge over mindlessly pasting construction paper people onto cardboard. Not that I’m downing Romare Bearden, Henri Matisse, or collage people in any way (because I like them and think of those as challenging productions) but it’s just not my particular flavor as many years in Baltimore City Public Schools on an ass tight Arts budget can attest to. The few times I felt really good about my production was when we had Art teachers who actually taught us things as opposed to throwing us whatever they thought would keep us occupied for the twenty five to thirty minutes we were in their classes.
With the places I’m currently exposed to, it seems of the latter variety. Still…self expression comes in all forms. Perhaps I’m cutting myself off from a potential avenue before I’ve given it honest consideration?
Then there is acting. Ha. If you look in the Dictionary for the word “Wallflower”, you’ll find a synonym association for “Recluse” with my picture next to it. I am not a people person at the best of times and the idea of even attempting working with others in that capacity seems so foreign to me. Mind, I keep having this recurring idea about rounding up the people at one of the above named places and acting out an improvised play or something…
Singing is absolutely out of the question. I couldn’t carry a tune in orbit around the sun let alone for a song.
I think I should start small. Sketching, painting, writing, and goofing off in the mirror. None of those cost anything and, considering money to be a rare commodity around here lately, it seems the most prudent course of action. If I feel I could possibly expand my repertoire, then I could try acting with my cousins and other receptive family and/or friends. Or forcing them to act out a play or something I write. Muahahahaha! 🙂
I don’t know…I’ve put my thoughts down here and I guess I’ll have to explore my options to see what, if any, I’m comfortable with.
Anyone want to join me?