This is a satirical response to something a minority of people have felt they had a right to make mention of – My clothing and hairstyle choices. I figured I’d add up the costs of just what they’re asking for on a per annum basis and, if they’d like to, they’re more than welcome to start kicking out the money for this if they feel as strongly enough about their opinions as they claim to.
Hair Costs – The Taming of the Bride of Frankenstein
The only stylists I trust with my hair are the ones at New Directions at Reisterstown Road Plaza. I’ve found that they’re the only ones who’ve got the patience to work through my hair and the similar motivation of wearing non-processed hair styles. They’re actually one of the few places I’d willingly go to in order to have my hair styled. The price of a cornrow session [because there shalt be no perms, chemicals, or press jobs in this hair] is figured out to be $70.00 per session with a ten dollar tip for taking on the massive task of working with my hair to begin with. Since keeping the style ‘fresh looking’ would require a styling at least twice a month, I made price allowances for two visits.
Cost of Hair Monthly Styling x 2 = $160.00 [Including tips]
$160.00 x 12 = $1,920.00
Cost of Hair Styling per year = $1,920.00
Clothing Costs – KaliTime and The Disturbing Monochromatic Nightmare
Complaints about my clothing have led me to work out this formulae regarding my clothing. I figure at this current time, the replacement rate for my old clothes should be about one outfit for every two days in a month. I’m obviously not getting dressed up everyday and can justify wearing my usual digs when not going out to special places [like I actually want to go now] or not doing some type of my usual traveling [which includes heavy sweat equity in market shopping, library traveling, and shooting back and forth to appointments].
From what I’ve seen in the various Hussies ‘R Us shops, the going rate for the Hoochie Haute Couture is $35.00 and with a multiplying of that by fifteen for a standard thirty day calendar month, that comes to a total cost of $525.00 per month for wardrobe expenses.
Cost of Monthly Clothing Allowance = $525.00
$525.00 x 12 = $6,300.00
Cost of Clothing per Year = $6,300.00
Acessories – After The Fact
This is not counting various accessories, including facial cream and make up [ha ha ha], earrings [I’ve got one ear pierced four times and my nose pierced twice but I’ll let people off for the nose piercings], bracelets, perfume [if you saw the bees and wasps out here…], bath and body products. I smell fine, but people complain about my pragmatic use of Men’s Anti-perspirant/Deodorant only due to it being ‘Mens’. Hell, it’s a lot cheaper than Womens ounce for ounce. Some find anything to complain about. So, for all that, I estimate a monthy expenditure of the following prices.
Earrings x 4 = $120.00
Bracelets x 2 = $60.00
Perfume x 1 = $70.00
Bath and Body Products x 1 = $50.00
Anti-Perspirant/Deodorant x 1 = $5.00
Facial Cream x 1 = $25.00
Make Up x 1 = $35.00
Cost of Monthly Accessory Allowance = $365.00
$365.00 x 12 = $4,380.00
Cost of Accessories per Year = $4,380.00
Shoes – These Boots Are Made For Walking…
Shoes, shoes, shoes. If I hear one more thing about my boots, I swear, I’ll scream. Based on what I’ve seen as far as the price of what’s considered a good pair of Womens shoes in my actual size, they run a good 50.00 dollars for my size 11W Womens dress shoes at the cheap end of pricing and well over $100.00 for what’s considered ‘good’.
Apparently, once you get to my size in womens shoes, they’re made of gold and thus must cost more or something. I usually save myself the trouble and buy a pair of 9.5 Mens boots and low cuts but since there are complaints, these are the costs. I’ll make it easy and split the difference in cost. $75.00 for each pair.
Now, I’m getting to be athletic and will need a pair of Crosstrainers for when I work out. I’ll also need a few pairs of dress shoes to placate those that take issue with my clothing choices. Let’s put those numbers at four with two being flats and the other two being high heels [ha ha ha]. Then there is the Winter to consider as well as rainy days. That requires rain/snow boots and I’ll put that at one pair.
Dress Shoes x 4 per year = $300.00
Training Shoes x 1 per year = $75.00
Weather Boots x 1 per year = $75.00
Cost of yearly shoe allowance = $450.00
Bras – The Sisterhood of the Traveling Boulder Holders
Underwear! Let’s see. The average cost of a bra is 40.00 but I’m unique in that I’m not a normal size. Usually, the price for someone like myself is 60.00 – 70.00USD and sometimes more. I’ll give it another split down the middle at $65.00 per bra. Now, I average out replacement rates per month until I’m innundated by foreign bras
from well meaning know it alls to be about seven a month for the next year but, being nice again, I’ll give it four per month at $65.00.
65.00 x 4 = $260.00
260.00 x 12 Months = $3,120.00
Cost of yearly Bra Allowance = $3,120.00
Total cost to dress me
in the image of a Hoochie in the best style of others fucked up opinion = $16,170.00 [Not including tax and stupidity fees]
Better you than me.
Again, please note that this is a complete satire. I’d much rather you take that money and follow the directions.