Rage, Hurt and Healing

I just participated in the #WhenIWas hashtag on Twitter. In case you all don’t know what that is, this link and this link should explain it in more detail.

 

I have to say, it was very cathartic getting these events written down outside of my private writings. There were so many instances that I had to stop writing for my sanity’s sake. Like many others, I paused before tweeting and considered deleting my tweets several times before letting them stand. Then, I thought about it. Why, after all these years, should these people have power over me to write or not write a tweet confronting the disgusting truth of what was done?

 

I have never understood the mentality of pushing the victimized person in the corner and blaming them for the horrors they’ve suffered. Yet, I’m seeing it and have seen it over and over in my day to day life. Where is all the outrage for the person doing the victimizing?

 

This stuff is unacceptable. No one should have to go through these things.

Well, That Was…Interesting…

Baltimore City recently (27 April 2015) erupted into chaos. I, along with many others, sat watching it on live feeds and television, horrified by the violence. For any of you wondering, while I am from Baltimore City, I presently live in Baltimore County, so I’m well out of it. I appreciate your concerned messages though. Thank you for caring.

 

As far as I know, my family is okay. Thank you all for asking about them. Some were quite close to the action but stayed indoors and waited. As many of us did.

 

I will save the recriminations over who is ultimately responsible for this whole thing to more political and legal minds. I know what I’ve read and heard from the mouths of some though.

 

Moving on to other things, I am currently in the middle of doily three of the Cosmos Doily Madness. These doilies are for my friends on the occasion of their wedding…months ago. I’m hoping to give it to them by their anniversary. It should be done well before that time but, given how long it has taken me to get these done, I figured I’d give myself some leeway.

 

Sad news on the Health front. Doc F is leaving in July. I got a letter from him stating as much. Now, I’ve got to go get a new doctor. He was a pretty cool doctor too. I’m going to miss him. Crying face

 

Happy news on the health front. That Place has moved and…it moved less than a block from my Local Yarn Shop. Yep! I’ll be shopping at Cloverhill Yarn Shop from now on. I’m really looking forward to buying nice yarn when I’m finally off of my yarn diet. Don’t get me wrong. I love Knit Picks, Lion Brand, etc. but there’s something to be said about the appeal of being able to be tactile with the yarn you’re going to buy. One cannot do this when buying online. Open-mouthed smile

 

I’m planning on getting a butt load of Cascade Superwash 220 as well as whatever else they have that I like. I just have to get through my yarn diet which doesn’t end until 1 January 2017. I know, I’m a glutton for punishment. I love the colors and the fact that it’s Superwash yarn. I’m really looking forward to working with it. I’m also looking forward to socializing with other Knitters and Crocheters. Me…socializing. That’s so weird. Surprised smile

 

Okay, that’s enough rambling. Later! Rolling on the floor laughingRed heartRainbow

Three Important Songs in my Life

Boys II Men – It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

This song represents the good aspects of my past. Admittedly, there weren’t many good times, but for the few that existed, this song is a bittersweet reminded of all I said goodbye to forever. Chief among them is my friendship to one of the few people who was nice to me when I was a kid. Her name was Jamie and she died in a fire when we were in the second grade.

 

Finally laying that pain of loss to rest took me many years and lots of crying but I did it. When that song was released from the House Party 2 Soundtrack, it was like I was finally given permission to let go of the grief I had been holding onto for years. I still cry from time to time when I think of her life so tragically lost at so early an age but I no longer am obsessed with it as I was when I was a kid. I feel that, in the long run, this is the healthier path.

 

Queen – Another One Bites The Dust

This is another song from my childhood that helped me overcome adversity. I was routinely bullied by both children and adults and frequently castigated for being myself from a very young age. Slaying those demons took me years of therapy and self-conditioning but I managed it. Sometimes, I would literally have this song playing in my head as a means of inspiration while I strove not to react to some mean thing someone said or did to me.

 

As the bullying decreased, it helped me also in other areas of my life, from the academics I struggled in to social complexities. It would be my anthem for all challenges I sought to overcome and master. It worked too, in that I am no longer the same frightened, browbeaten mouse of a person I used to be. I speak up for myself now even when it’s difficult and I strive to better myself rather than stew in self-hatred brought on by the vile comments of others. This is a very good song.

 

Semisonic – Down In Flames

This song represents adulthood to me. It came out around the time I was in high school and dealing with a lot of people I didn’t want to give the time of day to. This song’s inspiration to me was about accepting adult responsibility for myself and letting go of the petty childish feuds that were rife in my old school. Through music and this song in particular, I was able to focus better on the transition from childhood to adulthood.

 

One line in particular in this song reminds me just how poignant this song is.

“I am seeing these friends for the first time in years. It’s icicle reunion day”. – Semisonic – Down in Flames

Sums up my childhood relationships quite brilliantly.

 

I have many other songs that I look to for inspiration but these have to be the top three go to songs that have gotten me through the most trying difficulties. Rolling on the floor laughingRed heartRainbow

Upcoming Stuff

It’s my birthday!!! It’s my birthday!!! It’s my birthday… *dancing*

 

My birthday is coming up, within the next two weeks. I’ll be 34 years old. Yes, ancient. Kidding. Birthday cake

 

I’m hoping to drop a few “Shocking!!!” things this year. I’m not going to say what they are until they come to fruition. There’s a nice vague mystery for you all to ponder. Rolling on the floor laughing

 

Nothing much else is happening in my life right now. I am working on a few crafting projects, Billy the Bear, the Rainstorm II socks and Bruce’s gloves (sporadically).

 

I am almost completed Billy The Bear. He’s for the Paternal Parental. I should have him completed by tonight but here’s a picture of him from earlier today.

 

Yes, that is my messy cluttered desk the bear is sitting on. This pattern is from Lion Brand Yarns and is one I’ve done previously. I made a bear for the Maternal Parental, only for hers, I used a G hook. This time, I used an H hook and got a bigger bear for my bargain. The name of the pattern is Buddy Bear and the pattern number on Lion Brand is 80359.

 

Once I get the above pattern completed, I’ll probably go back to the Rainstorm II socks.

 

This pattern is a dream to work. It’s called the Misti Sock Family and it’s the largest Men’s size I’m using because I happen to be a Hobbit. Kidding. My feet are large though. I wear a 9.5US Men’s shoe. This is the fifth time I’ve used this pattern to make socks to completion. I did make an attempt to do four at a time but got sidetracked by other projects and frogged them. I am currently 45% completed with this project. Yay!

 

The only other thing I have on my plate at this time is this mystery blogging project from WordPress. Starting tomorrow, I will perform the tasks as I receive them in my e-mail. I have no clue what it’s going to be about. I just know that I am going to complete it all. I’m determined to do it. I spend quite a bit of time either excoriating myself or outright running away from potential writing projects as they come up due to fear. Fear of judgment and fear of success. I have a big issue with self-esteem when it comes to writing. 2015 is the year this changes for the better. Sun

 

Who knows? Maybe this new attitude will lead to my finally doing NaNoWriMo.

 

Tonight’s agenda is: watching The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers with the Maternal Parental. Filmstrip

 

Have a fantastic day, Peoples of the Sun. Rolling on the floor laughingRed heartRainbow

Changing My Programming

Last night, I spent the better part of the night writing out my gloriously wonderful and supportive childhood. *ironic laughter*

 

Okay, that’s enough, I don’t want to tempt universal fate and have lightning to strike me or something. Lightning

 

Actually, I spent that time writing out part of my life’s story. Yes, it’s a tragic tale of woe and no, I don’t talk about it too often outside of a therapy session. You see, I am writing a letter. A very special letter. A letter which may well change the course of my life depending on the reply I get from the recipient. It is important that I disclose everything about my life to this person, so they may better understand my idiosyncrasies and, hopefully, be willing to move forward together in friendship and love. Awww…Red heart

 

If this person is not as serious as they claim to be, this letter will serve to warn them off before we’re irrevocably tied together. So, I have a lot riding on this letter. As odd as it may seem, I’m not nervous, despite so much weight being put on my mind due to this situation. Strangely, my mind is at peace with the whole situation. Either we’ll move forward together or we won’t move together at all. Those are the two big choices. Everything else is small potatoes. Fingers crossed

 

In another situation, I have been writing again recently. I’ve taken to posting it to Facebook, usually with a warning of impending doom at reading my works. This is another situation where my early programming comes in.

 

Throughout my childhood, until I was a legal adult, I was frequently derided for my writing skills. It didn’t help matters that I wasn’t fully literate until third grade. Yet, to have multiple adults constantly barraging my young mind with the same negative programming wasn’t good, in my opinion. It only served to push me into self-deprecation in all my work due to expecting derision from others. Rather than suffer the arrows of others, I tend to commit social seppuku whenever I can. Especially when it’s something related to my creative endeavors.

 

I was recently admonished by a friend not to do this. She’s right. I shouldn’t do this. I may not have formal literary training but I do have good stories. They stand up well, despite the flaws in grammar and punctuation. I just need to remember that writing is a marathon of creativity, not a sprint. The fun is in the process of uncovering the stories in our minds.

 

So, from here on, I’m going to post my words without derisive commentary.

 

Okay, now it’s almost Lunch time. Bowl

 

Later, Earthlings! Rolling on the floor laughingRed heartRainbow

Hello, Earthlings…

Say hello to my little friend.

 

No, wait.

 

Say hello to Kathleen’s Coffee Table Topper at seventeen rounds. This pattern has a tendency to bunch up early on, before the wings are crocheted on. It is fully round, I can assure you.

 

My original finish date of the 7th of March has been postponed until the 9th. I have a really bad cold on top of allergies. For those in the know of what that feels like, you can imagine what I’m going through right now. Crying face

 

I’m starting to feel marginally better though. With that improvement, my crochet skills have increased.

 

Ran across an interesting quiz on a friend’s Facebook page. It’s called the ACE Study Quiz and it measures the impact of Childhood trauma on adult health outcomes. It is featured in an NPR story about the ten questions most doctors are afraid to ask.

 

You just know I aced this one. /sarcasm. Actually, I got an eight out of ten on this particular quiz. Apparently, most people score a 2-4. Overachiever, I am. Smile with tongue out

 

I’m not up to much today. Just installing a Blu-ray burner/player in my computer and watching ALL THE DVDs and BLU-RAYS! I may also slink out to get some food. I am still in the process of replying to people. Who knew I was so darn popular? Yes, this includes you, Lotta. It’s funny, because normally, I don’t get a drop of e-mail outside of a few friends and, suddenly, I’m bombarded with a slew of correspondence from all over the world. I’m not complaining as I love talking with the people who’ve written. I just find this communication uptick interesting.

 

Incidentally, while out paying the Renter’s insurance, I got a possible commission for a pair of gloves. A part of me wants to make them for free but I need to pay for things. Now, if I can just find three skeins of Wine colored Superwash Cashmere Merino Wool yarn in my stash without hitting up Lion Brand, I’ll be a happy camper. Thankfully, the commission is for a woman with normal sized hands, so that’s not as much knitting as I normally have to do for myself. I could probably bust them out in a week, assuming I can find that yarn.

 

I got another request for a Hobbes Doll. As I do this for free, per the request of the pattern designer and the general feeling of the creator of Calvin and Hobbes, I had to temporarily decline the request until July. I should be finished with all the commissions and promised items I have in place by then. Cashy money pays bills and thus comes first while promised items to friends come second.

 

The clever irony in all of this is that I still haven’t made MY Winter gear and it’s almost Spring. I’m too darn self-sacrificing.

 

Anyway, I wish you all a pleasant and happy weekend filled with the finest everything good. Rolling on the floor laughingRed heartRainbow

Evil Randomness

The Maternal Parental is recovering. She’s being a bit of a headache actually. Her and those cigarettes are driving me around the bend.

 

 

Ooooh, I love finished projects. Say hello to the first of the Cosmos Doily Madness. This particular doily set is for Kathleen. I am presently working on doily number two of this set. If I really work at it, I should get it finished sometime today.

 

It’s been such a rollercoaster these past few weeks, both personally and crafting wise. I haven’t had time to post owing to that. Hopefully, that’s all over now and I can get back to normal.

 

It’s now February. Yay. Unlike most years, I actually have people to celebrate Valentine’s with. I just hope I get to see them this month or thereabouts. I’ve got gifts either coming or already made for both, so that’s covered. Really, I just want to spend nice quality time with them.

 

In other situations, I forgot to put the steel crochet hooks in the gift bag for my protégé. I guess I’ll give them to him, along with some thread, when I see him again. Hopefully, he’ll bring me some delicious candy from the store he frequents.

 

I must be mad but…I’m determined to get another African Violet. This one is a really deep purple color. That’s if the supermarket still has it. I saw it about a month and a half ago but didn’t have the money to get it at the time because I was more concerned with getting actual food items and a snow shovel in the house. This time, I’ve saved up the 4.99. If they have it, I’m totally getting it.

 

Okay, time to admit the big evil. I shopped at Wal-Mart. Specifically, Walmart.com and I saved a lot of money. However, I feel evil for doing it. We needed household supplies and I just couldn’t carry it home this time around due to exhaustion. So, I ordered:

 

2x big bottles of Laundry Detergent

2x big boxes of Dishwasher Detergent

2x big bottles of Dishwashing Liquid Detergent

1x 27 count toilet paper

1x bubble bath for the Maternal Parental

 

It was the same price to cheaper than Amazon and it was all the brands I normally buy except for the bubble bath. The volume offered was fantastic and they’re shipping right to my door. I can’t believe I’m saying this but…I hope this order turns out alright so I can make this a habit. Shockingly, the Walmart.com site even has yarn. Even better, with the exception of the Dishwashing Liquid Detergent, almost the entire order shipped within a day for free. Good luck getting that to happen with Amazon without paying over $70.00USD a year for it.

 

For my next order, I’m getting two bookcases for my book and DVD/Blu-Ray collections. At $39.99USD per bookcase, I may finally have organizational sanity in my room instead of piled and stacked books and video media akin to the leaning tower of Pisa.

 

From Amazon, I finally got my friggin’ pie pans. Let the pot pie making commence. I also got a buttload of DVDs on the cheap as well as a few other things.

 

In the realm of sleep, I’ve been getting it but I’ve been having PTSD nightmares to go along with it. Mostly flashbacks of the things that happened to me but also a few fanciful scenarios that have almost no basis in reality other than merging with my memories of certain locations. Either way, the dreams suck. Yet, I have to sleep. Such a dilemma. 

 

Well, it’s time for me to get back to crocheting. I’ve got Doilies to finish. Later. Rolling on the floor laughing