Happy Birthday To Me

Hey, I’m almost thirty-five years old. Wow. Anyway, to the posting.

 

For some time now, I have been unable to sleep without a lot of effort. This has proved exhausting to my life and my schedule. So exhausting that, paradoxically, I have frequently gone days without adequate sleep. I’m not sure what has been causing this but I am hoping it will go away soon. My pdoc prescribed 50mg of diphenhydramine for this issue and…it didn’t work. There I was, in bed all night long, staring at the backs of my eyelids, wishing for some kind of intervention that would give me a good night’s rest.

 

I wasn’t worried about anything.

I wasn’t agitated.

I wasn’t upset.

I just couldn’t sleep for some reason.

 

My sleep issues had gotten to the point where they’d affected my writing abilities, my knitting and crocheting abilities, my physical health, my coordination and fine motor skills in cooking. Imagine being sleep deprived while trying to work with a sharp knife, a heated stovetop, or a boiling hot pot of water? Yeah, my lack of sleep was a detriment to myself and others after a while.

 

The one thing I could still do was screw up my vision to focus, barely. So, I read books: both eBooks and Treebooks in my possession until my brain didn’t want to take in more information. Once the overload was completed, I took my meds, went to bed and…after two and a half hours, fell asleep for two blocks of sleep totaling eight hours and forty seven minutes. Yay.

 

As of right now, I’m still more than a bit shaky but, as you can see, I am writing again. Hopefully, with more sleep and time to recover, I can work on those stories and crafting projects of mine. 

 

Speaking of books and media. I think it’s time for another cull. I’m taking out the books with dated information, gleaning what I can from them before sending them for recycling if possible. The movies, I’m going to view them once more (the unwanted) before donating them to charity or selling them. After all, I do have a challenge on Goodreads to read at least fifty books before the end of the year. This seems like a good way to do it.

 

On the Aerogarden front, the Aerogarden of Serendipity continues to amaze me.

 

2016-03-31 10.20.12

This is representative of thirty three days of growth. I have cut all visible plants back several times and they just keep on growing like they’re Kudzu or something. The Genovese Basil is particularly scary…I mean amazing as I cut it back to nothing more than a few leaf tips less than ten days prior and it grew back in record time. It is now overtaking the “Thai” Basil, pushing aside the Mint and shading the Cilantro. I had to raise the Light hood a bit to accommodate it.

 

I did have to get replacements for two pods. The Chives, well, to be honest Chive, died on me. The Cilantro never sprouted. So, I am now waiting for these replacements to grow. I hope they do. My room normally smells pretty good but, right now, it smells extra lovely. It’s very fragrant and smells of Basil, Mint, and Dill.

 

Due to my lack of coordination, I haven’t done much in the way of crocheting. I hope to change that in the next few days as my strength returns.

 

Thank you for reading. Have a great evening.

Stream of Consciousness Free Writing Exercise

I believe introductions are in order. My name nom du net is KaliTime Camaralzman or KTC for short. I have been writing on and off since my childhood and I’ve been writing online since 1999. My first forays into the writing world as an adult were mostly badly written fanfiction. Since that time, I’ve written several stories that are not fanfiction related, I just haven’t got the guts to post what I have so far or, furthermore, I haven’t got the guts to finish what I’ve started.

 

It mainly due to a fear of, well, what’s the opposite of a fear of failure? A fear of success? I am, in essence, afraid that someone will read my work, consider it noteworthy and expect more of the same from me. As much as I love writing, I just don’t know if I’m capable of producing more than a few somewhat good pieces. So I cringe in terror when someone asks to read my work. At least, I did until this point. This writing exercise is my effectively putting myself out there for the world to see, warts and all, so I can learn from my mistakes and, hopefully, become a more effective writer.

 

Earlier, I mentioned that I didn’t have the guts to post my work. I did do it with a few stories. They’re either on my story journal waiting for follow up (if they’re not complete stories) or they’re languishing on various sites across the internet where I have given permission for them to be posted or have posted them myself (as is the case with Fet). I’m really hoping that this exercise will not only improve my writing but will build my self-confidence to the point where I can accomplish my 2015 goal of doing NaNoWriMo later this year.

 

I’ve been trying to do it for several years but I canned my own work as not good enough. Now, I won’t bash other authors by name but I do know for certain that there is far worse out there than my writing. I am hoping to get to the point where I can become a published author.

 

A little about me personally: I am Agoraphobic, Atheist, Polyamorous, Pansexual and have Bipolar Disorder. In addition to the above mentioned things, I’m hoping for this writing exercise to offer me a further means of having a creative outlet for my conditions and my identifications. Specifically, I’d like to write a story featuring Polyamorous relationships. The funny thing is, the story is already in my head, I’m just afraid to put it into words out of that aforementioned fear. I am hoping to overcome that as well.

 

Aside from these things, I am a Knitter and Crocheter. I’m also a gardener with a fully indoor container garden. When I’m not knitting, crocheting, writing or gardening, I can often be found in my room, listening to a plethora of musical artists or watching various visual media and even reading. I’m something of an indoor firework. Well, I’d have to be given my Agoraphobic tendencies.

 

I am almost out of time, so I will just thank you for reading this rambling enterprise of mine. I look forward to reading your works as well.

 

Later, Peoples of the Sun! Rolling on the floor laughingRed heartRainbow

Slouching Towards Completion

Hello, Everyone!

 

First, I would like to say Happy Darwin Day to everyone reading this.

 

 

Now, to the projects I’ve been working on. Project number one mentioned in this post is the Cosmos Doily Madness. I am fifty percent completed with that particular lunacy. As I cannot work with the black thread at night without hurting my eyes and giving myself a migraine, I have decided to do it during daylight hours.

 

In the meantime, and to give my hands a rest, I have decided to make my new friend, Valerie’s, Hobbes doll. In the interest of full disclosure, I am not getting paid to make this doll. I just really like creating them. Valerie sent me the yarn, felt and fiber fill. All I have to do is put it together and ship the completed doll back to her. Easy peasy.

 

 

So far, I’ve got the head complete after a few hours of working on it. I gave myself a week to get the doll done but, if I’m going at this rate, I should have it done in two days. We’ll just have to see. I have the arms, legs, ears, tail, muzzle, features and accessories to make and sew on before I’m completed.

 

So far, on the new medication regimen, I am doing exceptionally well. No PTSD nightmares so far, no mood swings, etc. Hardly any anxiety. I’m happy and I hope it stays this way or improves. I have yet to test the boundaries of the agoraphobia but I’m hopeful that this feeling of calm will stay with me.

 

I did do some gardening today. Specifically, I am making another attempt at propagating the African Violets in my care. I took a leaf from each one of the two I have and dusted both with some rooting hormone. Then, I let the pot soak in some water for a few minutes before draining it, putting it under a 32oz clear plastic container and inside a DVD+RW spindle case. Both plants have a lovely purple color. The first is a first time home picture of the older of the two. I got it on 24 April 2014 for .27 cents from the supermarket. It was on its last legs when I bought it and now it’s thriving.

 

 

The second is one I just got a few days ago. I paid $3.99 for it and I think, upon looking at the new flowers coming in, that it’s either a color changing variety or there are two different plants in the pot, each with its own color. Some flowers are coming out lavender and others are coming up indigo. I’ll know for sure in a few months when I feel its ready to be repotted.

 

 

Anyway, from these two plants, I’ve taken one leaf each. Using the method shown on YouTube by M3rma1d, I augmented it a bit by using rooting hormone. This is purely an experiment to see if I can get it to grow at all. I thought that Sansevieria plants couldn’t be grown in water but I’ve managed to do it. I also thought that, once an Aloe Vera was decapitated, the top was unusable. Proved myself wrong with that one too. I currently have one growing downstairs in the living room window along with all the other spillover plants and propagation experiments.

 

If I do manage to get it growing, I will, of course, spread the love around to local people I know. I’m trying to convince the Maternal Parental to take one. We’ll see. 

 

Well, it’s long past due for me to take my medication. Later. Rolling on the floor laughingRed heartRainbow

Better Living Through Chemicals

Met my new p-doc on Friday. He’s a nice person. He’s also highly effective at mixing the anti-lunacy cocktail of medications I require for what passes for normal in my world. Apparently, someone forgot to put down at That Place the fact that I have Bipolar Disorder. As you can probably tell from this blog, I don’t exactly keep that little factoid hidden from prying eyes. Especially when those prying eyes happen to be medical professionals tasked with the heavy burden of treating my illnesses.

 

For the record, I was diagnosed (at different times) with Bipolar Disorder II, PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder with Agoraphobia becoming a problem child in recent years. Not a secret in the slightest. So, to have it divulged twice that not only was I not being fully treated for my illnesses but that my records have yet to transfer from the other place is getting me a little hot under the collar.

 

Thankfully, Doc L set me straight upon hearing from my own mouth what was going on with me. He adjusted the two medications I take, Aripriprazole and Escitalopram, as well as adding in a new medication called Prazosin. For the first time in a long time, I haven’t had nightmares, haven’t felt super anxious and haven’t felt majorly depressed. I haven’t had a single flashback since Saturday. For the first time in quite a while, I feel motivated to get stuff done, including writing and crafting. I’ve even been sleeping better since I first took the new regimen of medication on Saturday.

 

It’s early days, but I feel hopeful about this new cocktail.

 

In other related news, due to the hypersomnia, I gained weight despite my exercising like a neurotic freakazoid. Even though I moved around quite a bit, sleeping upwards of 12 –14 hours a day took its toll on my atmospheric displacement. To that end, I’m cutting any and all junk food from my intake of food. I’m also halving my sugar intake. This will doubtless send MyFitnessPal for a tailspin of thinking I’m starving myself but, let me assure you, I’m not. I eat to satiation everyday, without fail. I just tend to eat low calorie foods when I’m not gorging myself on tea.

 

I’ll have to very carefully count what and how much I eat to ensure I don’t set off the alarms of the site.

 

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank each and everyone of you who sent kind words to me during my recovery period. I’m incredibly grateful for your friendship and hold it close to my heart. *giant hugs for you all*

 

In the realm of Knitting and Crocheting, I am on round twelve of the second doily and no further along with the gloves. That changes today. I’m not feeling like my world is spiraling out of control anymore, so back to work. Happily, I’ve also got the Hobbes doll I’m making for a new friend to look forward to crafting. As soon as the stuff my new friend mailed to me gets here, I’ll get started on it. I should have it turned around and ready to leave for its forever home by 1 March.

 

While I was recuperating, I had a chance to watch a few concerts. Specifically, Marilyn Manson’s Guns, God and Government compilation show and Queen’s Live Aid set from the mid-80s. Both concerts really served to lift my spirits and get my mood on the right track. Yay. Red heartNote

 

Today’s agenda is to finish watching LOTR – The Extended Edition, baking two loaves of bread, finishing one doily before starting on the next one, making progress with the gloves and last but certainly not least, exercising after carefully counting my calories. That’s all for now. Thanks for reading. Later! Rolling on the floor laughing

Ew, Depression…

Apparently, I am tanking mood wise. I don’t know what’s bringing it on but it isn’t fun to experience a sudden feeling of overwhelming woe and foreboding clutching at the pit of my very core.

 

This is happening pretty fast too. This abysmal feeling. I’m trying to use the CBT stuff I learned but to no avail. This emotional surge is just too thick. The only thing keeping me somewhat steady right now is my fingers tapping on this keyboard. What I really feel like doing is crying my eyes out for no apparent reason. It’s either that or retail therapy and, as an Impoverished American™, I am unable to participate in the latter due to some semblance of sanity remaining in my mind and a lack of finances in my pet bank accounts.

 

With every fiber of my being, I am trying to focus but it is proving difficult. I think I’ll ruin a few good stories I’ve been working on by tapping away at them in my altered state. That’s the more noble option in this mindset.

 

In other creative endeavors, Kathleen’s Cosmos doilies are almost complete. I will be working on the second batch of Cosmos doilies, in black, during the daylight hours only. I’m not as young as I once was when I could read tiny writing in a darkened room. Seeing black thread, without the benefit of an Ott-lite, in my dimly lit room, while trying to hook said thread with a 1.65mm hook is truly asking too much of me. So, in place of that, at night, I’ll work on Bruce’s black gloves. I can at least feel my way with those. Ha ha.

 

Ah, hell. Everything is distracting me now. I feel like my mind is being pulled in one thousand different directions at one time in multiple dimensions. I’m hoping that this will pass quickly. It’s just a Rapid Cycling event, I’m sure. It’s not a part of my bi-annual meteoric rise/crash and burn events. It’s too early for it to be that as those charming moments normally hit in May/June and October/November.

 

I’d better end this post here as my train of thought just went out the window. Instead of ruining my stories, I think I’ll absorb science videos on YouTube or something. Maybe my brain will make an inspired leap while in this altered state. Likely not. Still, it’s better than weeping in the corner. Sad smileRolling on the floor laughingCrying face

Finished Lotta’s Purple Table Topper…

…on 28 May 2014. I don’t know why I didn’t make an announcement post about it. I guess because I’m not as happy with the end result as I was with the cotton based doilies I made. This acrylic thread doesn’t really block well like acrylic yarn does in hot water or steam.

Well, at least I got it done.

For my next party trick, I’m still working on Sam’s hat. It’s taking forever to make despite knitting on it frequently. I keep telling myself that it’s no different than making a pair of socks except for it all being one big project but…I took six months to make a pair of socks. Not exactly encouraging. Still, I’ll get it done.

Then, when I’m downstairs or outside in other locations, I knit on a pair of worsted weight yarn socks I’m making for the Maternal Parental. The End of May socks are designed to keep my hands busy when I’m away at doctor’s appointments.

Then again, those are few and far between. In other news, my p-doc quit her job. Which effectively leaves me with one doctor at the medical center I go to until they can find a replacement. Until that glorious day, my med doc will be handling the dispensing of my psych meds. That ought to be fun.

Lucky for me, I’m in a good place and am pretty good as self management of my conditions. Between this blog, my journals and my private hand written journal, I keep on top of my conditions pretty well. I just hope it stays that way until I’m back under the watchful eye of a proper psychiatrist. It’s not that I don’t trust the abilities of my med doc, it’s just that psychiatry is a very specialized field with a lot of potential pitfalls and missteps that I feel are better looked after by someone with training specifically in that genre of medicine.

Anyway, onto other things.

I’m doing well in my three stated goals. I purchased my last book this past 30 May and, starting from 1 June, I will not buy another book or yarn until 1 January. I am knitting regularly, which is slowly dwindling down my yarn supply. Plus, as soon as I finish making this hat, I have four socks waiting to be knit at round six on the cuff.

I’m going to go read my book. I think I spend too much time watching consumable media rather than reading it. I don’t like the way this makes me feel. I wish to use my brain to figure things out rather than have it spoon fed to me. Regardless of how good the spoon feeding might be, I want to exercise my mental abilities as best as I can. So, later. ❤