Rage, Hurt and Healing

I just participated in the #WhenIWas hashtag on Twitter. In case you all don’t know what that is, this link and this link should explain it in more detail.

 

I have to say, it was very cathartic getting these events written down outside of my private writings. There were so many instances that I had to stop writing for my sanity’s sake. Like many others, I paused before tweeting and considered deleting my tweets several times before letting them stand. Then, I thought about it. Why, after all these years, should these people have power over me to write or not write a tweet confronting the disgusting truth of what was done?

 

I have never understood the mentality of pushing the victimized person in the corner and blaming them for the horrors they’ve suffered. Yet, I’m seeing it and have seen it over and over in my day to day life. Where is all the outrage for the person doing the victimizing?

 

This stuff is unacceptable. No one should have to go through these things.

Keeping Up With It

It is currently three days into this writing project and I’m doing very well. I’ve managed to put something up on my blog for each day of the project. I haven’t missed a day yet and I hope not to miss a day.

 

Today’s prompt included a secondary goal. I am supposed to commit to a writing practice to free write for a minimum of fifteen minutes a day. I think I’m up to doing that. I am familiar with the format of Free Writing, as it is the means I use to write most of my stories. I am hoping to get something coherent out of what I put out. There was also a secondary prompt in that I’m supposed to find a new article to include in a blog post. Oy…

 

In case you were wondering, this is the Free Write for today.

 

I haven’t knitted or crocheted since Sunday. I’m hoping to get something done tonight on the October Rust Birthday Shawl. Picking my brains for words has proved exhausting to say the least. I am thankful that something is coming out. However, it seems to be sapping my creativity in other areas. I’m hoping that tonight will be different.

 

A joyous thing for me, I’ve gotten three series of Knitting Daily (500, 600 and 700) in the mail today with four more (800 through 1100) coming in tomorrow. Thanks to those sales, I got it all for really cheap. I only wanted the first eleven series as I don’t really have a fondness for the format of the show after series 1100. Even with my favorite designers, I couldn’t warm to series 1200 and afterward. So, I’ll be watching my DVD collection for information and inspiration as far as Fiberarts are concerned.

 

Aside from that, I’ve got a tripod and such coming. The tripod is for me so I can do vlogs and upload them to YouTube. Goodness knows why I want to do this, but, for some reason, I want to make video blogs about what it’s like having agoraphobia, bipolar disorder, PTSD, anxiety etc as well as other things in my day to day life. It’ll all be on my YouTube channel for *gulp* everyone to see.

 

Why am I doing this again? Oh yeah, I’m supposed to be stretching my boundaries to further aid my recovery. Crying face

 

Most likely, it’ll be me reading from one or more of my books to start off with. Then, I’ll field questions. Hopefully, I won’t fall flat on my face.

 

Tonight’s agenda is to do the next writing assignment and prompt, do some crocheting, watch some Knitting Daily and get ready for tomorrow.

 

Take care, Peoples of the Sun! Rolling on the floor laughingRed heartRainbow

Stream of Consciousness Free Writing Exercise

I believe introductions are in order. My name nom du net is KaliTime Camaralzman or KTC for short. I have been writing on and off since my childhood and I’ve been writing online since 1999. My first forays into the writing world as an adult were mostly badly written fanfiction. Since that time, I’ve written several stories that are not fanfiction related, I just haven’t got the guts to post what I have so far or, furthermore, I haven’t got the guts to finish what I’ve started.

 

It mainly due to a fear of, well, what’s the opposite of a fear of failure? A fear of success? I am, in essence, afraid that someone will read my work, consider it noteworthy and expect more of the same from me. As much as I love writing, I just don’t know if I’m capable of producing more than a few somewhat good pieces. So I cringe in terror when someone asks to read my work. At least, I did until this point. This writing exercise is my effectively putting myself out there for the world to see, warts and all, so I can learn from my mistakes and, hopefully, become a more effective writer.

 

Earlier, I mentioned that I didn’t have the guts to post my work. I did do it with a few stories. They’re either on my story journal waiting for follow up (if they’re not complete stories) or they’re languishing on various sites across the internet where I have given permission for them to be posted or have posted them myself (as is the case with Fet). I’m really hoping that this exercise will not only improve my writing but will build my self-confidence to the point where I can accomplish my 2015 goal of doing NaNoWriMo later this year.

 

I’ve been trying to do it for several years but I canned my own work as not good enough. Now, I won’t bash other authors by name but I do know for certain that there is far worse out there than my writing. I am hoping to get to the point where I can become a published author.

 

A little about me personally: I am Agoraphobic, Atheist, Polyamorous, Pansexual and have Bipolar Disorder. In addition to the above mentioned things, I’m hoping for this writing exercise to offer me a further means of having a creative outlet for my conditions and my identifications. Specifically, I’d like to write a story featuring Polyamorous relationships. The funny thing is, the story is already in my head, I’m just afraid to put it into words out of that aforementioned fear. I am hoping to overcome that as well.

 

Aside from these things, I am a Knitter and Crocheter. I’m also a gardener with a fully indoor container garden. When I’m not knitting, crocheting, writing or gardening, I can often be found in my room, listening to a plethora of musical artists or watching various visual media and even reading. I’m something of an indoor firework. Well, I’d have to be given my Agoraphobic tendencies.

 

I am almost out of time, so I will just thank you for reading this rambling enterprise of mine. I look forward to reading your works as well.

 

Later, Peoples of the Sun! Rolling on the floor laughingRed heartRainbow

Slouching Towards Completion

Hello, Everyone!

 

First, I would like to say Happy Darwin Day to everyone reading this.

 

 

Now, to the projects I’ve been working on. Project number one mentioned in this post is the Cosmos Doily Madness. I am fifty percent completed with that particular lunacy. As I cannot work with the black thread at night without hurting my eyes and giving myself a migraine, I have decided to do it during daylight hours.

 

In the meantime, and to give my hands a rest, I have decided to make my new friend, Valerie’s, Hobbes doll. In the interest of full disclosure, I am not getting paid to make this doll. I just really like creating them. Valerie sent me the yarn, felt and fiber fill. All I have to do is put it together and ship the completed doll back to her. Easy peasy.

 

 

So far, I’ve got the head complete after a few hours of working on it. I gave myself a week to get the doll done but, if I’m going at this rate, I should have it done in two days. We’ll just have to see. I have the arms, legs, ears, tail, muzzle, features and accessories to make and sew on before I’m completed.

 

So far, on the new medication regimen, I am doing exceptionally well. No PTSD nightmares so far, no mood swings, etc. Hardly any anxiety. I’m happy and I hope it stays this way or improves. I have yet to test the boundaries of the agoraphobia but I’m hopeful that this feeling of calm will stay with me.

 

I did do some gardening today. Specifically, I am making another attempt at propagating the African Violets in my care. I took a leaf from each one of the two I have and dusted both with some rooting hormone. Then, I let the pot soak in some water for a few minutes before draining it, putting it under a 32oz clear plastic container and inside a DVD+RW spindle case. Both plants have a lovely purple color. The first is a first time home picture of the older of the two. I got it on 24 April 2014 for .27 cents from the supermarket. It was on its last legs when I bought it and now it’s thriving.

 

 

The second is one I just got a few days ago. I paid $3.99 for it and I think, upon looking at the new flowers coming in, that it’s either a color changing variety or there are two different plants in the pot, each with its own color. Some flowers are coming out lavender and others are coming up indigo. I’ll know for sure in a few months when I feel its ready to be repotted.

 

 

Anyway, from these two plants, I’ve taken one leaf each. Using the method shown on YouTube by M3rma1d, I augmented it a bit by using rooting hormone. This is purely an experiment to see if I can get it to grow at all. I thought that Sansevieria plants couldn’t be grown in water but I’ve managed to do it. I also thought that, once an Aloe Vera was decapitated, the top was unusable. Proved myself wrong with that one too. I currently have one growing downstairs in the living room window along with all the other spillover plants and propagation experiments.

 

If I do manage to get it growing, I will, of course, spread the love around to local people I know. I’m trying to convince the Maternal Parental to take one. We’ll see. 

 

Well, it’s long past due for me to take my medication. Later. Rolling on the floor laughingRed heartRainbow

Evil Randomness

The Maternal Parental is recovering. She’s being a bit of a headache actually. Her and those cigarettes are driving me around the bend.

 

 

Ooooh, I love finished projects. Say hello to the first of the Cosmos Doily Madness. This particular doily set is for Kathleen. I am presently working on doily number two of this set. If I really work at it, I should get it finished sometime today.

 

It’s been such a rollercoaster these past few weeks, both personally and crafting wise. I haven’t had time to post owing to that. Hopefully, that’s all over now and I can get back to normal.

 

It’s now February. Yay. Unlike most years, I actually have people to celebrate Valentine’s with. I just hope I get to see them this month or thereabouts. I’ve got gifts either coming or already made for both, so that’s covered. Really, I just want to spend nice quality time with them.

 

In other situations, I forgot to put the steel crochet hooks in the gift bag for my protégé. I guess I’ll give them to him, along with some thread, when I see him again. Hopefully, he’ll bring me some delicious candy from the store he frequents.

 

I must be mad but…I’m determined to get another African Violet. This one is a really deep purple color. That’s if the supermarket still has it. I saw it about a month and a half ago but didn’t have the money to get it at the time because I was more concerned with getting actual food items and a snow shovel in the house. This time, I’ve saved up the 4.99. If they have it, I’m totally getting it.

 

Okay, time to admit the big evil. I shopped at Wal-Mart. Specifically, Walmart.com and I saved a lot of money. However, I feel evil for doing it. We needed household supplies and I just couldn’t carry it home this time around due to exhaustion. So, I ordered:

 

2x big bottles of Laundry Detergent

2x big boxes of Dishwasher Detergent

2x big bottles of Dishwashing Liquid Detergent

1x 27 count toilet paper

1x bubble bath for the Maternal Parental

 

It was the same price to cheaper than Amazon and it was all the brands I normally buy except for the bubble bath. The volume offered was fantastic and they’re shipping right to my door. I can’t believe I’m saying this but…I hope this order turns out alright so I can make this a habit. Shockingly, the Walmart.com site even has yarn. Even better, with the exception of the Dishwashing Liquid Detergent, almost the entire order shipped within a day for free. Good luck getting that to happen with Amazon without paying over $70.00USD a year for it.

 

For my next order, I’m getting two bookcases for my book and DVD/Blu-Ray collections. At $39.99USD per bookcase, I may finally have organizational sanity in my room instead of piled and stacked books and video media akin to the leaning tower of Pisa.

 

From Amazon, I finally got my friggin’ pie pans. Let the pot pie making commence. I also got a buttload of DVDs on the cheap as well as a few other things.

 

In the realm of sleep, I’ve been getting it but I’ve been having PTSD nightmares to go along with it. Mostly flashbacks of the things that happened to me but also a few fanciful scenarios that have almost no basis in reality other than merging with my memories of certain locations. Either way, the dreams suck. Yet, I have to sleep. Such a dilemma. 

 

Well, it’s time for me to get back to crocheting. I’ve got Doilies to finish. Later. Rolling on the floor laughing

Sudden Hypersomnia

I went from not sleeping to sleeping too much. I don’t know how long this will last, but this sudden bout of hypersomnia sure is annoying. I can’t seem to get anything done. I’ll be in the middle of a project (like now!) and I’ll start yawning. Before I get to the end of it, my head is drooping towards the desk. This is completely insane. This is interfering in my talking with my friends, my work and even my eating schedule. There has to be a Happy Medium between Insomnia and Hypersomnia for me. There just has to be. Sad smile

 

Due to the above mentioned, I am no further along on the project I’ve been working on. The gloves are still at five rounds and judging by my yawning right now, there doesn’t look to be a change anytime today. I’m going to go to sleep one more time and try again in a few hours. If this fails to but an end to my sleepy spells, I’m just going to watch movies for the rest of today while I wait for tomorrow to come around. Perhaps a forced waking cycle will jumpstart my sleep patterns to act right. I don’t like it when things interfere with my work. Sad smile

 

As if oversleeping weren’t bad enough, I’ve been having nightmares about my former neighborhood again. PTSD worthy nightmares. I just can’t seem to shake the place from my system and it’s been more than eleven years since I’ve lived there. It’s got its claws in me pretty deep. I still can’t conceive how people are able to sleep comfortably at night while their fellow human beings are forced to live in such terrible circumstances like the ones I grew up in. Are people really that devoid of compassion? That’s mighty troubling if they are. Crying face

 

Well, I’m at the end of my wake time. Again. I’ll probably post again tonight if I get any further along on the gloves or tomorrow if I have to brute force my wakefulness. Later.