Rage, Hurt and Healing

I just participated in the #WhenIWas hashtag on Twitter. In case you all don’t know what that is, this link and this link should explain it in more detail.

 

I have to say, it was very cathartic getting these events written down outside of my private writings. There were so many instances that I had to stop writing for my sanity’s sake. Like many others, I paused before tweeting and considered deleting my tweets several times before letting them stand. Then, I thought about it. Why, after all these years, should these people have power over me to write or not write a tweet confronting the disgusting truth of what was done?

 

I have never understood the mentality of pushing the victimized person in the corner and blaming them for the horrors they’ve suffered. Yet, I’m seeing it and have seen it over and over in my day to day life. Where is all the outrage for the person doing the victimizing?

 

This stuff is unacceptable. No one should have to go through these things.

Vampire Writing Hours

I’ve been so stressed out lately. I’m giving serious thought to inverting my schedule just so I can get some peace and quiet to write in. Apparently, it takes the passage of midnight for people to stop banging on the friggin’ front door or ringing the phone. Sometimes… *glare* …not even then will the noise stop.

 

The only writing I’ve gotten done is a story I’ve completed after nine years. It’s not for NaNoWriMo but it’s something I’ve been anxious about completing. I consider it done now at thirty-nine pages. Thanks to my friend, it has a title. I’ve put it up on a few sites, including my own InsaneJournal behind F-lock. I may put it up on another site a friend just told me about last night but, for that, I’ll have to go over it with a fine toothed comb for errors. I do that now but, as of now, it’s just me reading my writings. No Beta reader. I’ll just have to up my game of checking after myself. I did get positive feedback about it though. That’s something. Now, I just have to keep churning them out.

 

Finally have an appointment for the doctor to get this bronchitis checked out. I don’t have the strength or the patience to go to the offices with more open appointments available, so I’m waiting for the one in my area even though it’s got fewer available appointments and on a later date.

 

Speaking of appointments, I have an appointment to donate platelets in forty four days. This will be the first time I’ve been back in almost four years. Life and various tiny illnesses/injuries just kept getting in the way. Like this darn bronchitis. Hopefully, I’ll be in peak physical condition come my appointment time. I normally pull a high number too, whatever that means. I’ll remind myself to look up what that means. It’ll just be fun to be helping out again.

 

I’m also taking my buddy, Winky – the Blood Drop.

 

He’s a squeeze ball. I made him off of a pattern I found on Ravelry.

 

I’m getting sleepy now. So, I’m going to take a nap, so I can wake up at 1am my time to write. Later!

Interesting Turn of Events

Several months ago, my laptop died on me. It was a Dell Inspiron 17R for the people keeping score. Luckily, I’d backed everything up and had started using my Desktop (Dell Inspiron 560 for those keeping score) by the time the laptop became problematic.

Fast forward to last night. We had a power surge/outage that lasted several minutes. By this time, I’d backed up to various Cloud services and was still in the process of saving to get a new computer. I woke up this morning to the Amber Light of Death. I’m really hoping against hope that this can be fixed by a small replacement part. Otherwise, it’ll be months before I can save up enough money to get a system that can handle my needs.

In other news, my Equality Salsa Garden of Hope is really taking off.

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Seriously hoping that html takes. I am currently working on a tablet and cell phone for all my Internet access. Could be worse. At least I’m not completely cut off.

The Equality Salsa Garden of Hope is currently twenty-four days old. All the plants are growing in a healthy manner and I look forward to having tomatoes and jalapeño peppers in a few more weeks.

Not much else is happening here. It’s hotter than hell, so I’m pretty much staying indoors with my DVD/Blu-ray collection. Going to go downstairs in a bit to watch a marathon of Doctor Who, Marvel movies and whatever else I can pull from my media shelf.

Take care, Peoples of the Sun. 😄💚🌈

Well, That Was…Interesting…

Baltimore City recently (27 April 2015) erupted into chaos. I, along with many others, sat watching it on live feeds and television, horrified by the violence. For any of you wondering, while I am from Baltimore City, I presently live in Baltimore County, so I’m well out of it. I appreciate your concerned messages though. Thank you for caring.

 

As far as I know, my family is okay. Thank you all for asking about them. Some were quite close to the action but stayed indoors and waited. As many of us did.

 

I will save the recriminations over who is ultimately responsible for this whole thing to more political and legal minds. I know what I’ve read and heard from the mouths of some though.

 

Moving on to other things, I am currently in the middle of doily three of the Cosmos Doily Madness. These doilies are for my friends on the occasion of their wedding…months ago. I’m hoping to give it to them by their anniversary. It should be done well before that time but, given how long it has taken me to get these done, I figured I’d give myself some leeway.

 

Sad news on the Health front. Doc F is leaving in July. I got a letter from him stating as much. Now, I’ve got to go get a new doctor. He was a pretty cool doctor too. I’m going to miss him. Crying face

 

Happy news on the health front. That Place has moved and…it moved less than a block from my Local Yarn Shop. Yep! I’ll be shopping at Cloverhill Yarn Shop from now on. I’m really looking forward to buying nice yarn when I’m finally off of my yarn diet. Don’t get me wrong. I love Knit Picks, Lion Brand, etc. but there’s something to be said about the appeal of being able to be tactile with the yarn you’re going to buy. One cannot do this when buying online. Open-mouthed smile

 

I’m planning on getting a butt load of Cascade Superwash 220 as well as whatever else they have that I like. I just have to get through my yarn diet which doesn’t end until 1 January 2017. I know, I’m a glutton for punishment. I love the colors and the fact that it’s Superwash yarn. I’m really looking forward to working with it. I’m also looking forward to socializing with other Knitters and Crocheters. Me…socializing. That’s so weird. Surprised smile

 

Okay, that’s enough rambling. Later! Rolling on the floor laughingRed heartRainbow

How I Lost My Fear of Crafting, Part Two

Note: There was no prompt for me to post this today. I just felt like it. Call it me getting ahead of the assignments, if you will. Hopefully, I’ll be able to do all the daily prompts in addition to the Writing 101 prompts with no problems. Anyway, back to the story.

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One day, around the time of my twenty-fifth birthday, I decided I must learn to knit. By then, we had moved into a stable neighborhood and I was mentally stable even if still ragged around the psychological edges. I had come a long way from near complete mental breakdown up to this point and I was determined to treat myself with a self obtained accomplishment. Knitting was to be this accomplishment even if I had to bleed for it.

 

So, taking my meager savings, I bought a pounder skein of black yarn from Amazon along with the cheapest straight needles I could find. I ended up with a pound of Caron’s One Pound Yarn and a pair of 10” size 8 Susan Bates knitting needles. I was overjoyed to finally have the implements of knitting but I didn’t know the first thing about how to knit. I searched high and low on the internet but to no avail. This was 2006 after all. There was nothing there excepting a few sites and a few videos online.

 

Not having luck with searching online, I decided to go to the library website to see if they had any materials related to knitting. Wow, am I ever glad I did. They not only had materials relating to knitting but they also had an upcoming class at the Catonsville Library being taught by a famous knitting woman. I had no clue who she was but the words “Free Knitting Class” had me rushing to register. Lucky for me, there was still room in the class for a few more people. I was given the requirements for the class as well as the date and time to show up at the Library.

 

I showed up at the appointed time in the neighborhood I was barely familiar with. I was about twenty minutes early, so I spent my time fiddling with my needles and yarn while waiting for class to begin. Once I got the all clear to go to the classroom, off I went to my first lesson with sweaty palms and a leaping frog in my stomach.

 

The class was comprised of all women of varying ages and backgrounds all there for a single purpose: To Knit. One of the Library staff was there to introduce the Famous Knitting Woman whose name I cannot recall beyond “Knight” as her surname. In addition to Famous Knitting Woman, there were three teaching assistants who did most of the teaching.

 

Once everyone had been introduced, class was started. There was a knot in a skein of yarn being use for demonstration purposes and I was given an opportunity to show my party trick of getting near impossible knots out of bits of string. Famous Knitting Woman had gone to retrieve the scissors and before she could make it across the room, I had already gotten the knot out. She could hardly believe her eyes. I just shrugged and said that it was my talent before getting self conscious.

 

The class went well and, after the last two students (a mother and young daughter) showed up, we all settled into casting on the initial stitches. I was so nervous about dropping my needles that I held on for dear life and casted on stitches so tightly, they could scarcely be pierced. After a few tries, I managed to cast on reasonably loose stitches via the Long Tail Cast On and began attempting to knit. Famous Knitting Woman saw how I was knitting with the stitches far from the point and suggested I move them up to the very tip to aid in my knitting becoming speedier. However, I was so nervous, I kept dropping stitches and eventually fell into a habit of keeping them back which has stayed with me even up to today.

 

Soon, the class was coming to its end and Famous Knitting Woman made suggestions of things we should buy, books we should read and tools we should consider acquiring to aid in our progress as knitters. By then, it was dark and, after saying goodbye to everyone, I walked back to the dark bus stop in a daze that I had finally learned something of the basics of knitting. However, on getting home, I began doing something wrong and I knew it but didn’t know how to fix the error. It would be from 20 June 2006 until 6 August 2006 until I finally found a fix for my problem.

 

All during the Summer, I focused on reading knitting books and practicing by knitting on “the Object” until my hands bled. I’m not kidding, my hands got blisters and bled from the amount of practice I got in on those needles and yarn. Yet, try as I might, nothing I did seemed to fix the problem of the extra stitch. I didn’t know what I was doing but, for some reason, I went from ten stitches to eleven and onwards until I had an unwieldy project sitting on my aluminium needles. Still, I kept at it even as my hands bled and my eyes turned bloodshot from so many hours of staring at the same project. I didn’t give up.

 

One day in August, we got a call that my Maternal Grandfather was in the hospital. Apparently, my uncle from my Grandfather’s second marriage contacted the family via my aunt. We were invited to a cookout to give the family a chance to know each other. Less than one week later, my Grandfather was dead from his illness. The stress of having to deal with so much during that time drove me to escape into the world of knitting.

 

Giving up on “the Object”, I searched high and low on the Internet again until I came across the KnittingHelp website. Amy Finlay’s videos quite literally kept me sane as I learned to properly knit for the first time since June. I practiced throughout the night until the morning of the Wake. Once we were at the funeral home, I retreated further into my knitting and managed a pretty decent looking beginner’s scarf. For the first time, but not the last time, knitting kept me from blowing my top at an inappropriate moment.

 

Part Three, the final installment comes tomorrow. Rolling on the floor laughingRed heartRainbow

Changing My Programming

Last night, I spent the better part of the night writing out my gloriously wonderful and supportive childhood. *ironic laughter*

 

Okay, that’s enough, I don’t want to tempt universal fate and have lightning to strike me or something. Lightning

 

Actually, I spent that time writing out part of my life’s story. Yes, it’s a tragic tale of woe and no, I don’t talk about it too often outside of a therapy session. You see, I am writing a letter. A very special letter. A letter which may well change the course of my life depending on the reply I get from the recipient. It is important that I disclose everything about my life to this person, so they may better understand my idiosyncrasies and, hopefully, be willing to move forward together in friendship and love. Awww…Red heart

 

If this person is not as serious as they claim to be, this letter will serve to warn them off before we’re irrevocably tied together. So, I have a lot riding on this letter. As odd as it may seem, I’m not nervous, despite so much weight being put on my mind due to this situation. Strangely, my mind is at peace with the whole situation. Either we’ll move forward together or we won’t move together at all. Those are the two big choices. Everything else is small potatoes. Fingers crossed

 

In another situation, I have been writing again recently. I’ve taken to posting it to Facebook, usually with a warning of impending doom at reading my works. This is another situation where my early programming comes in.

 

Throughout my childhood, until I was a legal adult, I was frequently derided for my writing skills. It didn’t help matters that I wasn’t fully literate until third grade. Yet, to have multiple adults constantly barraging my young mind with the same negative programming wasn’t good, in my opinion. It only served to push me into self-deprecation in all my work due to expecting derision from others. Rather than suffer the arrows of others, I tend to commit social seppuku whenever I can. Especially when it’s something related to my creative endeavors.

 

I was recently admonished by a friend not to do this. She’s right. I shouldn’t do this. I may not have formal literary training but I do have good stories. They stand up well, despite the flaws in grammar and punctuation. I just need to remember that writing is a marathon of creativity, not a sprint. The fun is in the process of uncovering the stories in our minds.

 

So, from here on, I’m going to post my words without derisive commentary.

 

Okay, now it’s almost Lunch time. Bowl

 

Later, Earthlings! Rolling on the floor laughingRed heartRainbow

Better Living Through Chemicals

Met my new p-doc on Friday. He’s a nice person. He’s also highly effective at mixing the anti-lunacy cocktail of medications I require for what passes for normal in my world. Apparently, someone forgot to put down at That Place the fact that I have Bipolar Disorder. As you can probably tell from this blog, I don’t exactly keep that little factoid hidden from prying eyes. Especially when those prying eyes happen to be medical professionals tasked with the heavy burden of treating my illnesses.

 

For the record, I was diagnosed (at different times) with Bipolar Disorder II, PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder with Agoraphobia becoming a problem child in recent years. Not a secret in the slightest. So, to have it divulged twice that not only was I not being fully treated for my illnesses but that my records have yet to transfer from the other place is getting me a little hot under the collar.

 

Thankfully, Doc L set me straight upon hearing from my own mouth what was going on with me. He adjusted the two medications I take, Aripriprazole and Escitalopram, as well as adding in a new medication called Prazosin. For the first time in a long time, I haven’t had nightmares, haven’t felt super anxious and haven’t felt majorly depressed. I haven’t had a single flashback since Saturday. For the first time in quite a while, I feel motivated to get stuff done, including writing and crafting. I’ve even been sleeping better since I first took the new regimen of medication on Saturday.

 

It’s early days, but I feel hopeful about this new cocktail.

 

In other related news, due to the hypersomnia, I gained weight despite my exercising like a neurotic freakazoid. Even though I moved around quite a bit, sleeping upwards of 12 –14 hours a day took its toll on my atmospheric displacement. To that end, I’m cutting any and all junk food from my intake of food. I’m also halving my sugar intake. This will doubtless send MyFitnessPal for a tailspin of thinking I’m starving myself but, let me assure you, I’m not. I eat to satiation everyday, without fail. I just tend to eat low calorie foods when I’m not gorging myself on tea.

 

I’ll have to very carefully count what and how much I eat to ensure I don’t set off the alarms of the site.

 

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank each and everyone of you who sent kind words to me during my recovery period. I’m incredibly grateful for your friendship and hold it close to my heart. *giant hugs for you all*

 

In the realm of Knitting and Crocheting, I am on round twelve of the second doily and no further along with the gloves. That changes today. I’m not feeling like my world is spiraling out of control anymore, so back to work. Happily, I’ve also got the Hobbes doll I’m making for a new friend to look forward to crafting. As soon as the stuff my new friend mailed to me gets here, I’ll get started on it. I should have it turned around and ready to leave for its forever home by 1 March.

 

While I was recuperating, I had a chance to watch a few concerts. Specifically, Marilyn Manson’s Guns, God and Government compilation show and Queen’s Live Aid set from the mid-80s. Both concerts really served to lift my spirits and get my mood on the right track. Yay. Red heartNote

 

Today’s agenda is to finish watching LOTR – The Extended Edition, baking two loaves of bread, finishing one doily before starting on the next one, making progress with the gloves and last but certainly not least, exercising after carefully counting my calories. That’s all for now. Thanks for reading. Later! Rolling on the floor laughing