Facing Fears – Trying On A Different Hat

I have two things I’m reticent to face. Dating and self improvement. As an agoraphobic with a host of other issues, it has been difficult to do more than basic things to put me on the road to where I’d ideally like to be.

So, I’m going to face my fears. I have been approached by someone who is way beyond my capacity to imagine as a potential partner. Yet, they genuinely appear to be interested and, unlike normal, don’t seem to want to attempt taking advantage of myself or my situation.. Instead of running away from it, I’m going to run cautiously toward this and see what happens.

 

With regard to my own social and academic self-improvement, that’s a bit more problematic but the very least I can do is take the first steps towards clearing the way for me to further myself in this goal. As I examine the possible consequences of any action I take, I realize that what really is stopping me is fear. Fear of failure and of getting even worse in my conditions as a result of my own actions and in both instances that fear is prevalent and justified. In my particular case, a fear of destabilizing the calm and order I’ve managed to maintain for so long is also present and causes a blockage when I think on plans of the future. I want to move beyond this into a more productive and fertile phase. It’s quite a catch-22 to deal with. Yet, without risk, I won’t have the rewards I desire.

Plus, I have my own past history to consider. I slowly, with a little help from my friend, a Home Health Aid, and a lot of writing, worked myself out of being housebound agoraphobic after three years of isolation. That’s something to be proud of.

 

Until the next time, have a safe and fantastic journey around the Sun. Take care, my friends. Rolling on the floor laughingRed heartRainbow

Ew, Depression…

Apparently, I am tanking mood wise. I don’t know what’s bringing it on but it isn’t fun to experience a sudden feeling of overwhelming woe and foreboding clutching at the pit of my very core.

 

This is happening pretty fast too. This abysmal feeling. I’m trying to use the CBT stuff I learned but to no avail. This emotional surge is just too thick. The only thing keeping me somewhat steady right now is my fingers tapping on this keyboard. What I really feel like doing is crying my eyes out for no apparent reason. It’s either that or retail therapy and, as an Impoverished American™, I am unable to participate in the latter due to some semblance of sanity remaining in my mind and a lack of finances in my pet bank accounts.

 

With every fiber of my being, I am trying to focus but it is proving difficult. I think I’ll ruin a few good stories I’ve been working on by tapping away at them in my altered state. That’s the more noble option in this mindset.

 

In other creative endeavors, Kathleen’s Cosmos doilies are almost complete. I will be working on the second batch of Cosmos doilies, in black, during the daylight hours only. I’m not as young as I once was when I could read tiny writing in a darkened room. Seeing black thread, without the benefit of an Ott-lite, in my dimly lit room, while trying to hook said thread with a 1.65mm hook is truly asking too much of me. So, in place of that, at night, I’ll work on Bruce’s black gloves. I can at least feel my way with those. Ha ha.

 

Ah, hell. Everything is distracting me now. I feel like my mind is being pulled in one thousand different directions at one time in multiple dimensions. I’m hoping that this will pass quickly. It’s just a Rapid Cycling event, I’m sure. It’s not a part of my bi-annual meteoric rise/crash and burn events. It’s too early for it to be that as those charming moments normally hit in May/June and October/November.

 

I’d better end this post here as my train of thought just went out the window. Instead of ruining my stories, I think I’ll absorb science videos on YouTube or something. Maybe my brain will make an inspired leap while in this altered state. Likely not. Still, it’s better than weeping in the corner. Sad smileRolling on the floor laughingCrying face

While I’m Awake and Not Busy

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words. We spent nine hours in the ER, waiting for some type of diagnosis or for my mom to be checked in if it was serious enough. Thankfully, it wasn’t nearly as dire as I thought it was. The Maternal Parental’s muscles in her back were the problem. No Cancer or blood clots or anything else except her Emphysema flaring up at the same time. I am worried for her suffering from so much pain but I am also so relieved. The Doctor said it will take some time to heal but that the muscles should heal themselves within a few week’s time.

 

I want to especially thank my friend and protégé, Todd. With no thought to his own business, he came and stayed with us the entire night. I really have no way to thank him enough for that as I was losing my mind by that point and my mom was in so much pain. By being there for us, he kept me out of the Inpatient psych ward from massive anxiety and my mom focused on something other than her pain. Thank you!

 

I’ve got to go fix dinner now. Later, Earthlings! Rolling on the floor laughing

Distressed

The Maternal Parental is sick again. This time, she’s having pain in her lower back radiating up her side. She’s been taking Ibuprofen but they’ve barely made a dent in the pain. She’s in so much pain that she’s having trouble breathing and moving around.

 

I’m really worried. Crying face

 

It’s gotten so bad that she’s talking about quitting smoking again. I hope she means it this time.

Regimented Scheduling

I’m probably going to regret this but…I think it’s time to dust off and revamp the old schedule.

You see, I’ve been knitting and crocheting for so long, that I’ve lost track of the last time I actually followed most of what was formerly my daily routine. Surely, you remember the routine I set for myself in strict hourly schedules?

I still have the old one on my wall and I do try to adhere to the basics of it, but I haven’t studied outside of knitting and crochet patterns and books in quite a while. While I’ve worked out, I certainly haven’t done it consistantly for the timeframe I used to do it and I haven’t turned the television on regularly in months. Nope, most of my time has been spent watching my knitting needles and crochet hooks at work. After that, my brain usually rebels and wants to be pacified with DVD viewings or the ever elusive sleep. This has resulted in my burning out over my work to the point where I don’t want to do it, especially the paid commissions. Surprisingly, I have no issue with the gratis projects. It’s the pressurized paid stuff that is getting on my last nerve.

Also, if I eat any less healthy, My Fitness Pal is likely to come smack me upside the back of the head. Since I started this enterprise, I’ve been barely meeting the nutritional requirements for a meal, let alone a day. I get almost daily warnings, in red, from MFP stating that my caloric intake is substandard and, if I want to maintain a healthy diet where I don’t end up sick, I should eat more. Yeah, it’s that bad. I normally eat no more than 800 calories per day on average. Well below the 1,330 calories MFP has as my normal minimum daily intake.

So, I think a more strict adherence to a schedule might be a positive thing for me. It’ll certainly free up my time, in that I’ll be able to give myself permission to sleep, eat, rest, relax, exercise, have fun and study. Also, I’ll be able to schedule in some time to force myself outside. Last time I checked, the Agoraphobia wasn’t going anywhere unless I fought against it. I can’t do that cooped up in my room with my crafting.

So, after a few keystrokes in OpenOffice.org, this is my new schedule:

I’m going to do this for two weeks and see how it works for me. If I find it doesn’t, then some tweaking will be necessary. I said “tweaking”, not “twerking”.

According to my new schedule, today’s agenda is one of relaxation. I’ve given myself a weekend holiday. 🙂

Now I’m Terrified…

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain”.

Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear, Dune – 1965

I have an appointment, in Baltimore City, in a few days. I’m going to have to go to it by myself. I’m not feeling very good right now. Not good at all. It’s an appointment I can’t miss or reschedule and it’s been months in the making.

Right now, I can feel a Tsunami of panic trying to get in but I’m just numb. Hopefully, this numb feeling will stay with me through to and beyond the time of my appointment. Oh well, it could be worse. It could be a really far appointment like Bethesda. I’ll get through this. I’ll have to.

Just for shits and giggles, I’m taking a project with me. Probably a hat as it’s the least tedious to transport and easiest to throw in my backpack. Hopefully, my needles won’t get confiscated. 144 stitches is a lot of work to put onto needles right.

My mind keeps coming back to that fear. I’m going to keep repeating the litany to myself to calm down.

Tonight, I’m going to work on projects. I’m hoping my hands stop shaking long enough for me to properly crochet. Maybe some music will help.

*sigh* This Agoraphobia sucks.

Some good news: I put Disqus commenting on my Tumblr. I wish that WordPress.com would allow Disqus commenting on their site. I love being able to continue discussions long after a story or event is over with. I also like keeping track of my comments.

Well, I’d better get to crocheting. Later.

Drat! My Plans For Today Are Canceled

I had planned on going out to take care of some business today and go to two appointments but, alas, it was not to be. Between being sick and the Maternal Parental flat out refusing to go out in the cold air, it seems as though the best laid plans of Mice weren’t happening after all.

So, I rescheduled for another day and managed to get the same appointments on one day with a two hour distance between them. I’ll come out to my therapist and psychiatrist on that day. Yay.